Our Poppy

Well things have been a bit crazy this week. I have been dreading writing this post all week in a way because it seems like it is the beginning of finalizing something that I do not want to ever see happen...... It is the inevitable though and the beauty of the circle of life.

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My "Poppy" as my kids call him.... To me he is my Pop, to some he is Oscar, others he is Reed, and at one point in his life he was a Colonel in the Army. Most of all he is one of the most amazing men on earth. He is a fighter, a man who has a strength unlike anyone I have known, a man with a heart as big as Texas, a love as large as this world, and acceptance unlike anyone that I have ever known. A man who has not blinked at the thought of me having a women as my partner, a man who stood proud at my commitment ceremony, loving and cherishing Kyla and my children. This man who cried uncontrollably, with joy when he held Jackson for the first time is one of my greatest heroes.

Poppy, was run over in the Korean War in a vehicle accident. He never received the care he should have and has been debilitated by severe and excruciating back pain for the last 25 years. A pain unlike anything I have ever seen one soul endure. He spends his days in agony, with a mind as clear as glass. Usually as people age it seems their mind goes along with their bodies. Unfortunately, this has not been the case for him. He gains more clarity, about the importance of his family, the love he has for his grandchildren, and the tremendous passion that he has for his newly added great grandchildren. He just got a new one 2 weeks ago and has not been able to see her yet and I know this is driving him crazy.

His true darkness began about 3 1/2 years ago when he was placed in the first "assisted living center" by my grandmother (an amazing woman, I might add)she could not longer physically assist him with his daily needs as they increased. So into the first home he went, no family wants this for their loved ones, in fact I would rather have had him live with me. Gram would not have it though, for those that know her she is strong willed, slightly manipulative, and has an intense need to control EVERY situation she encounters. So he has been in and out of assisted living, nursing homes, and care centers. Each getting worse it seems, he has gone home a few times and Gram has given it a college try providing him care, with the help of some in home nursing services, but it became too much. His most recent stay home about 3 months ago came to an abrupt end with a severe infection in his body, he went from being more mobile to being wheelchair bound. He is a Veteran so he is seen at the VA and I think his generational thinking forces him to believe that the VA is the only hospital on the planet that can provide him care. Everyone seems to believe it is a good place.... I however have not been impressed, every time I have been there I have been treated like shit by the staff, my grandmother was escorted out by a police officer at the request of the secretary (who I like to refer to as the not so lovely secretary of the year) for simply requesting to see her husband in the emergency room more then one time. I was sitting right there, she was not aggressive, certainly not a threat, and is just as far from the woman that would need to be escorted by police off of the premises as "Kathryn Hepburn". Anyways, every single time I walk into that god forsaken hospital I cringe at the thought that this is the way we treat the amazing souls that protect my family and our future generations. I cringe at the thought that my brother is a Marine and I can't stand the thought of him EVER having to get care at such an establishment. It disgusts me and after some research truly is a national problem. Enough about that though!!

Even worse are these god awful care centers where we place our elderly citizens. One of those citizens at this time happens to be my grandfather. The filth and despair present there is unimaginable. The stench that lines the halls is more then most could bare, and there he lays in his bed unable to move without assistance sleeping. Well that was till last week when he was rushed to the hospital for the 3rd time in 2 weeks because of pain he was having in his hip. Well know I think that this lovely care center is what will kill him in the coming months. He started with 2 sores on his rear end, sores that could have been treated and prevented much sooner then they were. Sores that should have been cleaned and cared for 3-4 times a day. They were not, we were led to believe they were but the last couple of weeks have proven otherwise. As those have been healing he was forced to lay in bed, no pressure on his rear which in turn has led to a terrible bed sore on his right side. A bed sore that yes started out as a red sore, and has now progressed to a sore the size of a silver dollar and has reached his bone. At any moment in the last couple of weeks this should have been given more intense attention but instead was ignored. There is really no explanation for it. My family has been completely attentive my grandmother there 8 hours a day. Everyone told us it was being cared for. My uncle a surgeon checked him regularly and believed it may not have been being cared for as much as was being said. Again though my grandmother does not allow us to get too involved.

Well the scene has gone from bad to worse this week. He was rushed to the hospital last Sunday, he was having trouble breathing and not acting normally. He got worse on Monday and that is when I got the dreaded call of "get to the hospital now this is it" Ky and I knew when we called back and my father had escorted my mom to the hospital that this really was it (see, ole dadio doesn't do anything unless it is absolutely necessary, he avoids the drama of it all very well)so we rushed to the hospital at mock 90. Rushed into the intensive care unit, and there he was. He looked like he was ready to go, he was barely breathing, they thought he had a stroke, and they were pounding on his chest trying to wake him. Part of me just kept thinking "oh poppy not yet, it can't be time yet I am not ready for this!!" and part of me kept thinking "oh poppy it is okay let go it is time for you to let go and be free." The docs came in and said the last and most invasive thing they were going to do was administer IV meds into a central line they would place in his heart. They believed it could be another infection in his bed sores.

Well, sure enough they placed the line and administered the antibiotics and not 1 hour later he was 80% better. The first thing he said when he came too was "I am hungry" the rest of the family still there was like uhhhhh.... you were practically dead, now you are hungry. But that is Poppy for you............. So the week has been filled with this rollercoaster of emotion as to what his fate is going to be. My mom called me and I think I am realizing what his fate is...... The infection from the sore that was never treated properly at the care center has gone into the bone. Throughout the development of this sore there have been many interventions none taken because the severity was never discussed. So it is now in the bone, and this will kill him soon (although he did inform the doctors this week thats he "WAS NOT READY TO DIE YET THOUGH"). This is where I start to get a bit heated apparently prior to death and according to my Uncle the doctor this is one of the most painful and grueling deaths imaginable. The pain is unbearable, medications barely will touch the pain at this point. It will seep into his entire body, through his bones and eventually take his life, because it is in his hip there is no ability to amputate. It will take a miracle for something to be done, I mean I believe in miracles, I wish for a miracle even if he died the next week but they cured the infection that would be okay, I want him to be peaceful more then anything.

My grandmother has not told any of us but she is looking into a hospice center we found out through the grapevine of doctors. This will cost her upwards of 15,000 dollars a month. Ky and I, my mother and other family have all offered to hold hospice care in our home and pay a full time nurse to stay here, covered by insurance and costing far less then that. She will not have it. Whatever happened to a family decision anyways. Why does she always have to do it her way, and have total control. It makes me crazy, we all want him to die at "home" our home his home not in a nasty awful horrible care center, that doesn't really "care at all".

God I am so angry about this situation, but I have to live and let live......

Poppy, I love you, thank you for always teaching me incredible songs, all of the counties in Utah in alphabetical order, singing me good ship lollypop weekly, and thank you for always being my rock, for loving me too no end, and for teaching me undeniable strength, drive and motivation. I will admire you for my lifetime... and I promise to always make you proud.

Godspeed My Poppy!