FEAR

Life is strange..... It has been quite some time since the ENORMOUS change in my life!! I do pretty well for the most part!! I have amazing people around me and I consider myself very blessed for that. I have been experiencing some pretty amazing things. I do manage most of the time to put on a face of strength and walk with my head held high! I however realized last night as I was reeling in bed with an incredible migraine headache that I am still carrying so much fear... And fear is anxiety.. And anxiety creates complacency and stunts growth.. So I guess mostly I had to acknowledge my fears. I have been getting more and more headaches recently and I really think that might be why... I have to stop bottling all of that fear. It is not like I can even really put a finger on what my fears are exactly but more then anything it is the fear of the unknown, vulnerability, trusting, progress and maybe myself!

I use a story in my work sometimes to help people acknowledge the power of their fear and I am going to put it out here. I used to horseback ride ALOT and had an accident at one point off of the horse it wasn't really pretty. Anyways the old adage "real cowgirls get back on and keep riding" has always been one of my statements to live by. But at that moment in my life I was scared to death, a good friend looked at me and said.... "acknowledge your fear, and turn it into learning how to respect the powerfulness of the horse" in other words I had to at that young age of seventeen learn to acknowledge, accept and respect the power of (in that instance the horse). I use it in my work to teach my clients about respecting the power of addiction and acknowleging the fear but remembering that "courage is being scared to death but saddling up for the ride anyways"

Anyways, putting this out there more for myself and my own acknowledgment of fear in my life today...... So I guess for today there it is and moving forward, learning how to respect the power of life's journey!

Mommy?? Who is looking at your butt!!

Funny story of the week....... My kids are full of them, questions, concerns and comments!! I never realized how in tune they are and just how much they listen to EVERYTHING!!

So.... We are taking the LONG drive to daycare this morning and there is this commercial on the radio that says something like this (I think it is a weight watchers or something)
"Oh my gosh have you seen Becky's butt lately it looks so great"

So from the back seat I hear hysterical laughing........ followed by Alyssa saying Mommy did you hear that, them saying did you see Mommy Becky's butt" Jackson could hardly contain himself he has this hysterical laugh that is as low as any man you would meet. Jackson with his inquisitive self stated "Mommy, who is looking at your butt, huh who is it." We all laughed and the drive continued!!

Have I mentioned that I have the most PHENOMENAL kids EVER!!

Phoenix Half Marathon

Rebecca Brown #42647
Kearns, UTAge: 29 Gender: F
("2:57:41");

Distance
HALF MAR
Clock Time
3:22:45
Chip Time
2:57:41
Gender Place
9684 / 14046
Age Grade
37%
Placeoall
16524
Placediv
1923
Pace
13:34
Ttldiv
2457
Ttlsex
14047
5 Km
40:59
10 Km
1:18:52
10 2 Mile
2:13:06

The results!! Not my best run but an absolutely amazing trip!! Phoenix is an incredible state the weather was wonderful but most of all I spent time with some of the most amazing women ever!! I am so lucky to have people in my life that push and encourage positive things! I often think about where my life was 2 years ago, 90 pounds heavier and totally inactive. I always talk with my clients at work about how you will never sore with the eagles when you were on the ground with the pigeons. My life 2 years ago was rather mundane, I spent a significant amount of time either eating or on the couch, not to mention raising two wonderful young kids.

It is funny, many people in my life have mentioned that they think running is self punishment, I have to disagree...... I LOVE running, I feel incredible when I do it and it motivates me to be better in my life!! It is also incredibly calming and I find myself in a zone unlike anything else I do in my life. My life and purpose becomes clearer when I run, I hit mile 11 on the 1/2 marathon and felt myself pulling from the deepest parts of me, there is a drive an motivation that is soulful for sure. Although my time in this marathon was not as good as my last it was more amazing then the first. The Ogden Half I ran last year was all down hill well mostly downhill. The Phoenix Half had more intense terrain!!

I am looking at about 4-5 more half marathons this spring summer and fall at minimum so I better keep training and I am considering beginning training for a triathalon, have to get a new bike though since last summer K's brother managed to have mine stolen at work!! BUMMER!

Oh yes....... and among other big news!! I got my first and probably only tattoo, it is the trusty old Turtlefly and is represented on K's page and is at the top of this post. I will post a picture soon as it looks on my shoulders, it is amazing and sits between my shoulder blades. I have wanted a tattoo for a lot of years have juggled many ideas back and forth but this one I knew that I could commit to forever as it represents my children and was drawn by a mutual friend of mine and K's. I have never wanted to just drive myself to the tattoo shop in SLC and get it so it worked out since I was running a half in Phoenix Arizona, I run for my children, and the turtlefly represents them to me. Okay so it is freakin amazing!! It looks amazing the colors are amazing and I can't believe at 29 1/2 I finally did it, on a trip I will never forget doing something I love!

Mommy.... It is all I got but will it make you happy?

So I would like to preface this post by saying a couple of things..... Throughout the entire demise of my marriage, I have worked diligently to shield and protect my children from any of my own pain, tears or sadness. So this is not a regular occurrence by any means, but I have also decided following the events that it is perfectly acceptable for them to understand that I too am human.

Tonight was one of those nights, K sent some stuff home with the kids that had been at the house and as I was going through it I shed some tears..... The pain and loss of a 7 year relationship is still extremely painful at times.... But more then anything it happens when the memories of things creep up! K returned a few of my bags that had remained at the house and in them were hidden treasures of years gone by. The purses I had thrown in the closet after they had become old and tired held memories of the love and joy that carried us through some of our toughest times.... I had put the kids to bed and sat to reminisce for a moment and I cried, not sobbed just those big welling dropping tears that run your mascara and leave water marks on your clothes.

I looked over to see my beautiful princess A standing looking at me wringing her little hands quietly watching me. Immediately I tried to look away, hide my face and dry my eyes. She ever so somberly walked over to me and looked at me in the eyes, it was a deeper look then that of a four year old. She grabbed my face and said "Oh mommy what is making you sad, what is the matter." I responded with nothing is wrong nothing is the matter. A says as matter of factly as I have ever heard as she rested her hands on my cheeks. "No mom you are sad and you have two tears" she gently wiped them from my eyes and leaned in to hug me. I figured at this moment it was important for her to know that even mommies have sadness... We talked about it a little and I just let her know that sometimes in our life we have things that make us sad, we miss things, people, places. A looked to me again and said (and I am not even kidding you) her hands wrapped in mine "Oh, so mom sometimes you are sad because you miss coming home with us and Mommy K". She is my angel, she is my strength, and at that moment I just held her and told her "yes honey sometimes it is hard when we don't have what we thought we would" But reminded her that we have an amazing family, and an amazing home and that we are all lucky to have each other, lucky that Mommy K and Mommy B still love each other and most lucky that we have two of the most amazing children on the planet. A then says "well mommy its all gonna be okay." I thanked her for being so wonderful and sweet and caring. She disappeared for a bit and I heard her rummaging through her room a little....... She returned with pure innocence and love with a bow that was smashed completely, but might be the most BEAUTIFUL bow I have ever seen and says "Mommy, this is all I have, but will it make you happy?"

Can I just say children are unbelievable... I am so lucky to have been blessed with the beauty of my children. That bow will never leave, it is a symbol of the purest and most true compassion I have ever experienced.

Mostly, I wanted to share this story with all of you not because I wanted to share my sadness... I usually hide that pretty well... Mostly I wanted share with you the innocence of the abounding love of children. I also wanted to take a moment to note such a beautiful story, provided by such a beautiful daughter.

Is it over yet??????

I see everyone's posts saying they can't believe it is December..... Christmas has come so fast.... Well not to be a bahumbug at all but all I have to say is "IS IT OVER YET?" Of course I love Christmas, but for the love of god they started playing Christmas music in October...... This has been one hell of a year and to be honest I am REALLY quite excited about what 2009 will bring.... Could this year just be over!!

The kids and I have been having a great time. I am still living with my incredible friends, they let me remodel a room in the basement so I have started to feel like i have my own space, it is awesome, I have the kids sharing a room and now have my own room!! I have started to slowly acquire some new furniture and rescue some old furniture from my old house........ It is weird what we go back to but as I take loads from the house I realize that the majority of what comes my way are things that I acquired long before my relationship..... Interesting how we hold on to things that are meaningful and hold a lot of memories.

I brought the kids to a party at the jail where they got to see Santa~!

I hope that hey don't think Santa lives at the jail...... I always make jail out to be a not so fun place but they sure had a great time.

Anyways, to all my friends I hope you have an amazing Christmas and YAY for 2009

The Junkie That Stole Christmas

So..... I have talked before about my amazing job. I love my job, I love my job because I don't really work for the money, and it is about so much more then that for me. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have the opportunity to impact lives daily on the level that I do. Anyways, this post really isn't about me.... In fact, this is more about my job impacting me this week.
Every year around Christmas the clients that I work with are given the opportunity to perform a "holiday presentation". We make them aware of the idea in October and they start planning, we never know what will come of it, or how creative they may get... A reminder I work in a jail, creativity runs few and far between here. They are not given props, outfits, music. But they manage to come up with all of it. Yesterday was one of the 2 program "holiday presentations" that we hold. The ladies I work with decided that the theme for the year would be "The Junkies that Stole Christmas". Although I won't go in to every countless detail, I will say that the idea was that as a drug addict so often they cannot even hear the sounds of Christmas any more. They cannot deal with the feelings surrounding the holidays and in an effort to deal with this they continue to get high. Throughout the skit they came up with songs that were parodies from all of our favorite Christmas Songs i.e "Yellow Cells" instead of Silver Bells, All I want for Christmas is Sobriety instead of my two front teeth. Anyways you get the drift, although the experience is very surreal, it is filled with creativity. The story line ends with them being arrested and sentenced to the substance abuse program in the jail, release from jail, and the next year they can then feel and hear Christmas. My clients albeit by their own choices are at a place in their lives that they have lost any and everything that means or meant anything to them. Their choices have led to the loss of family, children, belongings, safety, a home, and most of all hope! I sat and watched yesterday as these women performed and realized....... For a moment right then they had the opportunity to experience HOPE, ACCOMPLISHMENT, ACHIEVEMENT, JOY, FRIENDSHIP, CAMARADERIE, and SUCCESS. For each women the void that simple moment may have filled for them is untouchable. My wish for all of them is that during this holiday time they finally get to remember all of those feelings, with a clear head and a clearing heart they get to be just a little more humble and spend today and everyday with just a little more hope!

The last day okay so a few more pics

Our last day has been a BLAST we spent the afternoon at the beach!! YAY for a sunny Friday in California

The last several

Well the initial excitment of the trip trickled over the last couple of days, we have still been having a great time but been doing a whole lot of nothing. The weather has been cold and a bit dreary, we have played smashball in the condo, played all kinds of imaginary games, enjoyed each others company (for the most part) and done a lot of resting. It has been really nice to just relax, I forget how it feels to relax and realize that I spend most of my life go, go going. Between two kids, school, work, the gym, and training for the upcoming marathon in Phoenix in January, I have not stopped. I was telling my dad today, I don't remember the last time I slept this much, going to bed at 9pm has been real weird!! It gets dark here at like 4:30 pm so by 9 I feel like it is extremely late! Not to mention with 2 boys in the house we have watched a CONSIDERABLE amount of football, I have been sufficiently schooled with some new football skills I think.

Here are a few of the latest pictures I have to share..

Day Four (Tuesday)

We spent some more time at the beach today!! Mostly we have been enjoying our time as a family!

Day Three (Monday)

So Monday was a great day!! We ventured out to Legoland California, it was amazing I can't even tell you the coolest things were built out of lego's. My kids were still a little bit young and after that experiance I realized they are WAY to young to go to Disneyland yet.

The evening was spent out with my bro, he and a group of Marines went to a concert and they invited me to go also. Let me tell you, a group of Marines, just off of deployment we had a rockin good time but I am still trying to feel well today, if you know what I mean! Anyways, we went to Cross Canadian Ragweed and Randy Rogers concert and honestly I had never heard of them before but they were amazing! I am definitely a new fan!

I have included a couple of pictures from our day of fun!!