Thanks to the big guy above!

Took the kids swimming today, which is always fun, but a lot of stress to make sure you keep your eyes on them at all moments. Today was one of those days that I was glad that every part of my being was focused on the littles. A was jumping off the diving board with the tube around her.... I looked away for not more than 5 seconds turned back and could see her across the pool flailing in the water, it took me a second to realize what was happening that the tube was across the deep end and not around her. I dove in and got her, she was out of breath. The problem with that girl is that she ZERO fear, she thinks she can swim and can't and is reckless abandon. Today was a day I was glad to have what felt like a sixth sense as a mom, it was almost as if I knew something was wrong before it all clicked in. In addition, thanks to the guardian angel who tapped my shoulder and made me look when I did. Also, we will be doing swimming lessons this summer.... This is the second time this year A has almost drowned, no more water till swimming lessons, she can be as fearless as she wants to but somehow that kid is going to have to learn that there has to be some consequential thinking in her brain!! God Love HER!!

Kindergartners

Are you kidding me.... Today was the day, the first day of school all the way through college for these little ones!! I wonder if it is that hard every year or mostly just kindergarten?? It was hard... Real hard, harder on me than it was on them. Tonight we came home and sat around the dinner table. I make the kids tell me three good or bad things that happened to them each day..... A shared that it really hurt her feelings today when 2 of the kids told her that her lunch was gross... Immediately I felt the mama bear feeling, like who the hell are these kids and they are eating free and reduced lunch and at least she has mothers who pack her lunch for her.... Argggghhh who raises these little hoodlums to be so dang disrespectful... But my boy looks at her and says "well that was CERTAINLY rude Alyssa" God love them both!!! It is in these moments that you realize as a mom how protective you are and that you have just released them into that big bad world. How do we teach them to stand up for themselves and that backhanding is not acceptable?? J informed me that he has one friend and that is all he needed "Mac" and then proceeded to tell me that his Nana said to him a few weeks back.... "the older you get the more friends you will have". He looks at me and says... "so mom I am not to worried about having only one friend". Alyssa on the other hand the social butterfly she is already was able to list off 20 kids in her class by first name.... And especially the two that were mean to her and that they would not be "allowed" to be her friend. WE talked about that one! So many lessons, and one statement rings true.... "All I ever really needed to know I learned in kindergarten" I think it might be right!! Now if their mom can let them fight their own battles and support them through their pain and tears and happiness and joy..... Then we will be good!!

Today I can say, I sort of wish time could stand still.... Just for a minute!! LOVING every minute of it!

Way better than papers!

So I should be writing three papers for grad school right this second.... Procrastination at its finest!!! I started school last week and love it. I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I am also on an 8 day countdown to some very big very great news in the career realm..... Counting down the days trust me!

Last week we had back to school night for the littles, who are starting Kindergarten. I can't imagine that just a little over six years ago I was dreaming of the day that I would have a baby, let alone have a kindergartner or two for that matter. A good friend and I were talking the other day about the fact that when they said kids, they didn't mention this part. The part where they are not a succinct little fun package that you carry on your hip and dress up really cute. They actually develop into little humans, with personality, attitude, and mouths. Even better they develop into little humans that have goals, dreams, and aspirations. J walked out of his room the other day dressed in his doctor scrubs and went into an entire disertation about how he was going to be a doctor and would I let him, even if he was still a little doctor come to work with me and help the guys I help? Uhhhh, could you die? Alyssa, is dying to play soccer and according to the other mother actually full fledged kicked a soccer ball sitting stationary on the shelf. How exciting to move ahead in the lives of these littles and watch them dream, grow, explore and discover.

It is hard sometimes, I hope in the fifty percent of their lives that I get to spend with them I can show them everything they ever need to know from me that is.... I mean I know the other mom does an incredible job too! She and I are just different, I hope for them they have the chance to take both of our strengths and have the opportunity to be very successful. Exciting times are ahead this I am sure of!!! This will be a first for them to be seperated as we have chosen to put them in different classes in Kindergarten. A who depends on J for so much of her support will finally have the opportunity to discover her own independence and consistency. J who has spent the good majority of his life protecting his amazing big sister will finally have the chance to take a break for the little brother bully mentality he has lived for so long. It will be new pastures for both of them and it is my hope that they both thrive in their new environments.

Well I suppose I should get back to the papers I am procrastinating, somehow they haven't gone away.

2010...... here goes nothing!!

What an amazing year it has been and it really just keeps getting better. In the last 7 months, I have started 2 new programs within my organization, graduated with my undergraduate degree, and been accepted to the MSW program at the University of Utah. It has not been easy but it has definitely been worth it. My babies are doing so well and will be starting in all day kindergarten the same day I start Grad School.

I had an incredible amount of trepidation when applying and making the decision to enter grad school. I felt very strong about the fact that this was in fact going to take away from the kids and they have certainly been through enough loss. One of my Executives in my organization pulled me aside and said "what are you so afraid of?" "Becky Brown what would you do if you knew you could not fail." I explained my fears about taking away from my children and being a half time single mom and the impact that this would have on them. I will be working full + time going to school full + time and doing a practicum both years, I looked at him and said "how can this be fair to my kids?" He said to me "the years will pass anyways, and being the parent of teenagers as they get older I can promise you that they will only need you more."

So I stopped making excuses and started planning to apply for the program. To my surprise I was accepted. I will be starting the program in a couple of weeks, and have already started my first practicum.

On a more fun note, the kids and I have had a blast this summer, tons of traveling and time together. I have also been traveling a lot for work and that schedule continues. I ran another half marathon in the spring and hope to incorporate a few more into the coming months.

I am hoping to document more of the events and experiences I am having through the next couple of years!!

Learning to stand on my own two feet, be accountable, and really take a step back and reevaluate my life has been nothing short of a miracle over the last year. Everything looks different but that has not come easily or without a lot of work! Here's to another chapter closing and new ones opening!!

Missing Pieces

Wow it has been a while since blogging, but it is looking like I need to get back at it. I miss going back and reading stories about my babies, my life, my job. In fact my life is so crazy sometimes I can't remember last week. A lot has changed in my life over the last two years and more in the last six months than I ever thought possible. Instead of swimming around in the MUCK of it all I think it is best that we just move forward from here. So here's to a new year, new discovery, and progress!!

Life is precious.... I get it

WOW.... I don't even know where to start but I have to start somewhere! So April 29th my life changed significantly.... Hopefully only momentarily. I was horseback riding and the horse spooked and took me for at least an 8 second ride. I held on for a good while and flew off, had a 2 minute seizure, suffered a head injury and the horse landed with his foot on my wrist and popped the tendons off both sides (waiting on surgery), I also smashed the entire right side of my face. Nice I know....... Its been a long month. I have been unable to do anything, run, laugh, play football, school, work, and parent. Things are slowly getting better, I still have a consistent headache and lots of doctors appointments.

I also have had lots of other changes but ultimately in the last couple of weeks decided to move back to my parents with the kids. I REALLY want to buy a house and sort of needed to take a deep breath and pull myself together, get some things in order, and figure out what exactly I was doing. It has been a rough year but living at moms momentarily is finally making me feel like I can take a deep breath, especially with my health momentarily. Nothing like being this age and moving back home but it is very temporary till I can get refinanced off of my old house!! I am looking forward to buying something soon!

Anyways, thought I would drop a quick one. I will post some recent pictures and updates soon!!!

Nada lotta!! But SPRING HAS SPRUNG!!

I was so sick of looking at my last post I had to post something...... I have been busy, and I cannot confirm or deny what I have been busy doing. Life just gets busy and incase you didn't notice I think Spring has Sprung (the rollerblades have officially been out more then once) !! I thought that over a month ago when I was trying to will Spring to be here but I think this time it is FINALLY coming! I am on the three week countdown to my next half marathon, I have not been training much because I have been doing an amazingly long "body cleanse" of sorts. So wish me luck in my heafty three week training program aka... I hope I don't die in that 13.1 miles!!

Life is excellent, the kids are excellent and growing like weeds and have had their bikes out and are talking about boating, fishing, hiking, and all that fun stuff we do in the spring and summer!

My baby bro is about to deploy again in a week for Afghanistan this time which turns my stomach as usual but it will be good I am sure!

You will hear from me again soon I promise!

WORDS TO LIVE BY..........Cultivate Compassion in Your Life

I know this article is lengthy but I can't get over it.... This is some amazing stuff I think so often in life we forget the importance of compassion in our lives and the words "Cultivating Compassion" AWESOME!! The world would probably be a much better place if we followed even half of these things!! DONTCHA THINK?

How to Cultivate Compassion in Your Life

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~ Dalai Lama
Why develop compassion in your life? Well, there are scientific studies that suggest there are physical benefits to practicing compassion.[1] But there are other benefits as well, and these are emotional and spiritual. The main benefit is that it helps you to be more happy, and brings others around you to be more happy. If we agree that it is a common aim of each of us to strive to be happy, then compassion is one of the main tools for achieving that happiness. It is therefore of utmost importance that we cultivate compassion in our lives and practice compassion every day.
How do we do that? This guide contains 7 different practices that you can try out and perhaps incorporate into your every day life.

Steps

1. Develop a morning ritual. Greet each morning with a ritual. Try this one, suggested by the Dalai Lama: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” Then, when you’ve done this, try one of the practices below.
   
2. Practice empathy. The first step in cultivating compassion is to develop empathy for your fellow human beings. Many of us believe that we have empathy, and on some level nearly all of us do. But many times we are centered on ourselves and we let our sense of empathy get rusty. Try this practice: Imagine that a loved one is suffering. Something terrible has happened to him or her. Now try to imagine the pain they are going through. Imagine the suffering in as much detail as possible. After doing this practice for a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.
   
   • To keep empathy from turning into sympathy, keep your focus on the other person, rather than allowing your empathy to shift your focus to your own experience and memory of suffering.[2]
     
   
   
3. Practice commonalities. Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to recognize what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, and shelter, and love. We crave attention, and recognition, and affection, and above all, happiness. Reflect on these commonalities you have with every other human being, and ignore the differences. One favorite exercise comes from a great article from Ode Magazine — it’s a five-step exercise to try when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself:[3]
   
   1. Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
      
   2. Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
      
   3. Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
      
   4. Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
      
   5. Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
      
   
   
4. Practice relief of suffering. Once you can empathize with another person, and understand his humanity and suffering, the next step is to want that person to be free from suffering. This is the heart of compassion — actually the definition of it. Try this exercise: Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end, and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.
   
   • A study suggests that the more you meditate on compassion, the more your brain reorganizes itself to feel empathy towards others.[4]
     
   
   
5. Practice the act of kindness. Now that you’ve gotten good at the fourth practice, take the exercise a step further. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end — perhaps your mother or another loved one. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Once you get good at this stage, practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person. Practice doing something kind to help ease the suffering of others. When you are good at this, find a way to make it a daily practice, and eventually a throughout-the-day practice.
   
6. Move beyond to practice compassion for those who mistreat us. The final stage in these compassion practices is to not only want to ease the suffering of those we love and meet, but even those who mistreat us. When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Try to imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things had happened to that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person. Once you have mastered this practice of reflection, try acting with compassion and understanding the next time a person treats you. Do it in little doses, until you are good at it. Practice makes perfect.
   
   • It will take time to manage your emotions to the extent that you can practice full compassion, but the following techniques will help; in addition, people who practiced them in a study produced 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23 percent less cortisol — the “stress hormone.”[5]
     
     • Cut-through: Observe your feelings, focusing on your heart. Pretend you're someone outside of the situation, giving yourself advice like "Relax, it's no big deal." Imagine your negative feelings getting absorbed and diffused by your heart. This will help you transform rather than repress your negative feelings.[6]
       
     • Heart lock-in: Quiet your mind and focus your attention on your heart. Tap into feelings that you have towards someone or something you love easily, and try to stay with that feeling for ten or fifteen minutes. Then imagine sending those feelings to yourself and others.[7]
       
     
     
   • You may also want to read How to Forgive.
     
   
   
7. Develop an evening routine. It is highly recommended that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated this morning, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? And if you have time, try one of the above practices and exercises.
   

Video

Osho examines the nature of compassion from a radically different perspective. He points out that "passion" lies at the root of the word, and then proceeds to challenge assumptions about what compassion really is. He shows how the path to authentic compassion arises from within, beginning with a deep acceptance and love of oneself. Only then, says Osho, does compassion flower into a healing force, rooted in the unconditional acceptance of the other as he or she is.

Tips

• These compassionate practices can be done anywhere, any time. At work, at home, on the road, while traveling, while at a store, while at the home of a friend or family member. By sandwiching your day with a morning and evening ritual, you can frame your day properly, in an attitude of trying to practice compassion and develop it within yourself. And with practice, you can begin to do it throughout the day, and throughout your lifetime. This, above all, will bring happiness to your life and to those around you.
  

Things You'll Need

• Ritual
  
• Routine
  
• Healthy diet
  
• Positive thinking
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Be Kind
  
• How to Practice Courtesy and Kindness
  
• How to Practice Random Acts of Kindness
  
• How to Maintain Good Spiritual Health
  

Sources and Citations

• Original source of article, Zen Habits, A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life with 7 Practices. Shared with appreciation under an uncopyright licence.
  

1. ↑ http://esciencenews.com/articles/2008/10/07/compassion.meditation.may.improve.physical.and.emotional.responses.psychological.stress


2. ↑ http://bexhuff.com/2008/05/empathy-vs-sympathy


3. ↑ http://www.odemagazine.com/doc/44/love_thy_neighbour_for_he_is_me/


4. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/feeds/hscout/2008/03/27/hscout613899.html


5. ↑ http://www.heartmath.org/research/science-of-the-heart-emotional-balance.html


6. ↑ http://www.pbs.org/bodyandsoul/203/heartmath.htm


7. ↑ http://www.pbs.org/bodyandsoul/203/heartmath.htm

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Cultivate Compassion in Your Life. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

........ and then it was gone

Specifically related to my last post FEAR. Okay well maybe not all the way but getting there. I had the most amazing experience last Saturday and was invited by some amazing friends to an Indian Sweat lodge. I can't really describe it in words in fact the experience is not one that can really be verbalized. However it was the most incredible thing I have done for myself in a long time. 4 hours of sweating, 4 hours of letting go, and 4 hours of rediscovery. I have walked through this week feeling extremely blessed for the experience, even more blessed to have amazing people in my life that bring more to my life then I ever thought possible. So.... an enormous thank you to those currently involved in "the journey" you know who you are and know that you hold an incredibly special place in my heart.

Speaking of incredible people... The kids and I were invited to attend a Valentines Day gathering with some friends. I say some friends but I would rather refer to them as some of the most amazing, inspiring and incredible mothers and friends I have had in my life. The kids enjoyed playing and running with the other 10 kids that are all within 2 years of their age. Watching them with free spirits enjoy life and enjoy the other kids. While they did that I engaged in a Wii fit tournament at which I was humbled by my incredibly athletic friends who can swing it, shake it, and jump it like nobodies business.

Also on Saturday we had some pictures done of the kids and I thanks to BS who was incredibly patient and did an amazing job!! Of which you can see above.... If you would like to see more of her work and more of our pictures (MOM) you can look at www.flickr.com/beckbeau.

I finally finished another class and school is rockin!

And the best news of the week is that I have started to plan my SUMMER!!!! YAY!! My new game in life is to try to incorporate and of the following into anything I am saying, makes the days go faster and puts a smile on my face. I have several runs scheduled, lots of camping trips, four wheeling, horseback riding, summer concerts, hiking, boating, and hopefully lots of play time with my amazing kids and friends!

FEAR

Life is strange..... It has been quite some time since the ENORMOUS change in my life!! I do pretty well for the most part!! I have amazing people around me and I consider myself very blessed for that. I have been experiencing some pretty amazing things. I do manage most of the time to put on a face of strength and walk with my head held high! I however realized last night as I was reeling in bed with an incredible migraine headache that I am still carrying so much fear... And fear is anxiety.. And anxiety creates complacency and stunts growth.. So I guess mostly I had to acknowledge my fears. I have been getting more and more headaches recently and I really think that might be why... I have to stop bottling all of that fear. It is not like I can even really put a finger on what my fears are exactly but more then anything it is the fear of the unknown, vulnerability, trusting, progress and maybe myself!

I use a story in my work sometimes to help people acknowledge the power of their fear and I am going to put it out here. I used to horseback ride ALOT and had an accident at one point off of the horse it wasn't really pretty. Anyways the old adage "real cowgirls get back on and keep riding" has always been one of my statements to live by. But at that moment in my life I was scared to death, a good friend looked at me and said.... "acknowledge your fear, and turn it into learning how to respect the powerfulness of the horse" in other words I had to at that young age of seventeen learn to acknowledge, accept and respect the power of (in that instance the horse). I use it in my work to teach my clients about respecting the power of addiction and acknowleging the fear but remembering that "courage is being scared to death but saddling up for the ride anyways"

Anyways, putting this out there more for myself and my own acknowledgment of fear in my life today...... So I guess for today there it is and moving forward, learning how to respect the power of life's journey!

Mommy?? Who is looking at your butt!!

Funny story of the week....... My kids are full of them, questions, concerns and comments!! I never realized how in tune they are and just how much they listen to EVERYTHING!!

So.... We are taking the LONG drive to daycare this morning and there is this commercial on the radio that says something like this (I think it is a weight watchers or something)
"Oh my gosh have you seen Becky's butt lately it looks so great"

So from the back seat I hear hysterical laughing........ followed by Alyssa saying Mommy did you hear that, them saying did you see Mommy Becky's butt" Jackson could hardly contain himself he has this hysterical laugh that is as low as any man you would meet. Jackson with his inquisitive self stated "Mommy, who is looking at your butt, huh who is it." We all laughed and the drive continued!!

Have I mentioned that I have the most PHENOMENAL kids EVER!!

Phoenix Half Marathon

Rebecca Brown #42647
Kearns, UTAge: 29 Gender: F
("2:57:41");

Distance
HALF MAR
Clock Time
3:22:45
Chip Time
2:57:41
Gender Place
9684 / 14046
Age Grade
37%
Placeoall
16524
Placediv
1923
Pace
13:34
Ttldiv
2457
Ttlsex
14047
5 Km
40:59
10 Km
1:18:52
10 2 Mile
2:13:06

The results!! Not my best run but an absolutely amazing trip!! Phoenix is an incredible state the weather was wonderful but most of all I spent time with some of the most amazing women ever!! I am so lucky to have people in my life that push and encourage positive things! I often think about where my life was 2 years ago, 90 pounds heavier and totally inactive. I always talk with my clients at work about how you will never sore with the eagles when you were on the ground with the pigeons. My life 2 years ago was rather mundane, I spent a significant amount of time either eating or on the couch, not to mention raising two wonderful young kids.

It is funny, many people in my life have mentioned that they think running is self punishment, I have to disagree...... I LOVE running, I feel incredible when I do it and it motivates me to be better in my life!! It is also incredibly calming and I find myself in a zone unlike anything else I do in my life. My life and purpose becomes clearer when I run, I hit mile 11 on the 1/2 marathon and felt myself pulling from the deepest parts of me, there is a drive an motivation that is soulful for sure. Although my time in this marathon was not as good as my last it was more amazing then the first. The Ogden Half I ran last year was all down hill well mostly downhill. The Phoenix Half had more intense terrain!!

I am looking at about 4-5 more half marathons this spring summer and fall at minimum so I better keep training and I am considering beginning training for a triathalon, have to get a new bike though since last summer K's brother managed to have mine stolen at work!! BUMMER!

Oh yes....... and among other big news!! I got my first and probably only tattoo, it is the trusty old Turtlefly and is represented on K's page and is at the top of this post. I will post a picture soon as it looks on my shoulders, it is amazing and sits between my shoulder blades. I have wanted a tattoo for a lot of years have juggled many ideas back and forth but this one I knew that I could commit to forever as it represents my children and was drawn by a mutual friend of mine and K's. I have never wanted to just drive myself to the tattoo shop in SLC and get it so it worked out since I was running a half in Phoenix Arizona, I run for my children, and the turtlefly represents them to me. Okay so it is freakin amazing!! It looks amazing the colors are amazing and I can't believe at 29 1/2 I finally did it, on a trip I will never forget doing something I love!

Mommy.... It is all I got but will it make you happy?

So I would like to preface this post by saying a couple of things..... Throughout the entire demise of my marriage, I have worked diligently to shield and protect my children from any of my own pain, tears or sadness. So this is not a regular occurrence by any means, but I have also decided following the events that it is perfectly acceptable for them to understand that I too am human.

Tonight was one of those nights, K sent some stuff home with the kids that had been at the house and as I was going through it I shed some tears..... The pain and loss of a 7 year relationship is still extremely painful at times.... But more then anything it happens when the memories of things creep up! K returned a few of my bags that had remained at the house and in them were hidden treasures of years gone by. The purses I had thrown in the closet after they had become old and tired held memories of the love and joy that carried us through some of our toughest times.... I had put the kids to bed and sat to reminisce for a moment and I cried, not sobbed just those big welling dropping tears that run your mascara and leave water marks on your clothes.

I looked over to see my beautiful princess A standing looking at me wringing her little hands quietly watching me. Immediately I tried to look away, hide my face and dry my eyes. She ever so somberly walked over to me and looked at me in the eyes, it was a deeper look then that of a four year old. She grabbed my face and said "Oh mommy what is making you sad, what is the matter." I responded with nothing is wrong nothing is the matter. A says as matter of factly as I have ever heard as she rested her hands on my cheeks. "No mom you are sad and you have two tears" she gently wiped them from my eyes and leaned in to hug me. I figured at this moment it was important for her to know that even mommies have sadness... We talked about it a little and I just let her know that sometimes in our life we have things that make us sad, we miss things, people, places. A looked to me again and said (and I am not even kidding you) her hands wrapped in mine "Oh, so mom sometimes you are sad because you miss coming home with us and Mommy K". She is my angel, she is my strength, and at that moment I just held her and told her "yes honey sometimes it is hard when we don't have what we thought we would" But reminded her that we have an amazing family, and an amazing home and that we are all lucky to have each other, lucky that Mommy K and Mommy B still love each other and most lucky that we have two of the most amazing children on the planet. A then says "well mommy its all gonna be okay." I thanked her for being so wonderful and sweet and caring. She disappeared for a bit and I heard her rummaging through her room a little....... She returned with pure innocence and love with a bow that was smashed completely, but might be the most BEAUTIFUL bow I have ever seen and says "Mommy, this is all I have, but will it make you happy?"

Can I just say children are unbelievable... I am so lucky to have been blessed with the beauty of my children. That bow will never leave, it is a symbol of the purest and most true compassion I have ever experienced.

Mostly, I wanted to share this story with all of you not because I wanted to share my sadness... I usually hide that pretty well... Mostly I wanted share with you the innocence of the abounding love of children. I also wanted to take a moment to note such a beautiful story, provided by such a beautiful daughter.

Is it over yet??????

I see everyone's posts saying they can't believe it is December..... Christmas has come so fast.... Well not to be a bahumbug at all but all I have to say is "IS IT OVER YET?" Of course I love Christmas, but for the love of god they started playing Christmas music in October...... This has been one hell of a year and to be honest I am REALLY quite excited about what 2009 will bring.... Could this year just be over!!

The kids and I have been having a great time. I am still living with my incredible friends, they let me remodel a room in the basement so I have started to feel like i have my own space, it is awesome, I have the kids sharing a room and now have my own room!! I have started to slowly acquire some new furniture and rescue some old furniture from my old house........ It is weird what we go back to but as I take loads from the house I realize that the majority of what comes my way are things that I acquired long before my relationship..... Interesting how we hold on to things that are meaningful and hold a lot of memories.

I brought the kids to a party at the jail where they got to see Santa~!

I hope that hey don't think Santa lives at the jail...... I always make jail out to be a not so fun place but they sure had a great time.

Anyways, to all my friends I hope you have an amazing Christmas and YAY for 2009

The Junkie That Stole Christmas

So..... I have talked before about my amazing job. I love my job, I love my job because I don't really work for the money, and it is about so much more then that for me. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have the opportunity to impact lives daily on the level that I do. Anyways, this post really isn't about me.... In fact, this is more about my job impacting me this week.
Every year around Christmas the clients that I work with are given the opportunity to perform a "holiday presentation". We make them aware of the idea in October and they start planning, we never know what will come of it, or how creative they may get... A reminder I work in a jail, creativity runs few and far between here. They are not given props, outfits, music. But they manage to come up with all of it. Yesterday was one of the 2 program "holiday presentations" that we hold. The ladies I work with decided that the theme for the year would be "The Junkies that Stole Christmas". Although I won't go in to every countless detail, I will say that the idea was that as a drug addict so often they cannot even hear the sounds of Christmas any more. They cannot deal with the feelings surrounding the holidays and in an effort to deal with this they continue to get high. Throughout the skit they came up with songs that were parodies from all of our favorite Christmas Songs i.e "Yellow Cells" instead of Silver Bells, All I want for Christmas is Sobriety instead of my two front teeth. Anyways you get the drift, although the experience is very surreal, it is filled with creativity. The story line ends with them being arrested and sentenced to the substance abuse program in the jail, release from jail, and the next year they can then feel and hear Christmas. My clients albeit by their own choices are at a place in their lives that they have lost any and everything that means or meant anything to them. Their choices have led to the loss of family, children, belongings, safety, a home, and most of all hope! I sat and watched yesterday as these women performed and realized....... For a moment right then they had the opportunity to experience HOPE, ACCOMPLISHMENT, ACHIEVEMENT, JOY, FRIENDSHIP, CAMARADERIE, and SUCCESS. For each women the void that simple moment may have filled for them is untouchable. My wish for all of them is that during this holiday time they finally get to remember all of those feelings, with a clear head and a clearing heart they get to be just a little more humble and spend today and everyday with just a little more hope!

The last day okay so a few more pics

Our last day has been a BLAST we spent the afternoon at the beach!! YAY for a sunny Friday in California

The last several

Well the initial excitment of the trip trickled over the last couple of days, we have still been having a great time but been doing a whole lot of nothing. The weather has been cold and a bit dreary, we have played smashball in the condo, played all kinds of imaginary games, enjoyed each others company (for the most part) and done a lot of resting. It has been really nice to just relax, I forget how it feels to relax and realize that I spend most of my life go, go going. Between two kids, school, work, the gym, and training for the upcoming marathon in Phoenix in January, I have not stopped. I was telling my dad today, I don't remember the last time I slept this much, going to bed at 9pm has been real weird!! It gets dark here at like 4:30 pm so by 9 I feel like it is extremely late! Not to mention with 2 boys in the house we have watched a CONSIDERABLE amount of football, I have been sufficiently schooled with some new football skills I think.

Here are a few of the latest pictures I have to share..

Day Four (Tuesday)

We spent some more time at the beach today!! Mostly we have been enjoying our time as a family!

Day Three (Monday)

So Monday was a great day!! We ventured out to Legoland California, it was amazing I can't even tell you the coolest things were built out of lego's. My kids were still a little bit young and after that experiance I realized they are WAY to young to go to Disneyland yet.

The evening was spent out with my bro, he and a group of Marines went to a concert and they invited me to go also. Let me tell you, a group of Marines, just off of deployment we had a rockin good time but I am still trying to feel well today, if you know what I mean! Anyways, we went to Cross Canadian Ragweed and Randy Rogers concert and honestly I had never heard of them before but they were amazing! I am definitely a new fan!

I have included a couple of pictures from our day of fun!!