Life as a Kaleidoscope

Thanks to the big guy above!

2010-09-05T17:07:00.000-07:00

Took the kids swimming today, which is always fun, but a lot of stress to make sure you keep your eyes on them at all moments. Today was one of those days that I was glad that every part of my being was focused on the littles. A was jumping off the diving board with the tube around her.... I looked away for not more than 5 seconds turned back and could see her across the pool flailing in the water, it took me a second to realize what was happening that the tube was across the deep end and not around her. I dove in and got her, she was out of breath. The problem with that girl is that she ZERO fear, she thinks she can swim and can't and is reckless abandon. Today was a day I was glad to have what felt like a sixth sense as a mom, it was almost as if I knew something was wrong before it all clicked in. In addition, thanks to the guardian angel who tapped my shoulder and made me look when I did. Also, we will be doing swimming lessons this summer.... This is the second time this year A has almost drowned, no more water till swimming lessons, she can be as fearless as she wants to but somehow that kid is going to have to learn that there has to be some consequential thinking in her brain!! God Love HER!!

Kindergartners

2010-09-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

Are you kidding me.... Today was the day, the first day of school all the way through college for these little ones!! I wonder if it is that hard every year or mostly just kindergarten?? It was hard... Real hard, harder on me than it was on them. Tonight we came home and sat around the dinner table. I make the kids tell me three good or bad things that happened to them each day..... A shared that it really hurt her feelings today when 2 of the kids told her that her lunch was gross... Immediately I felt the mama bear feeling, like who the hell are these kids and they are eating free and reduced lunch and at least she has mothers who pack her lunch for her.... Argggghhh who raises these little hoodlums to be so dang disrespectful... But my boy looks at her and says "well that was CERTAINLY rude Alyssa" God love them both!!! It is in these moments that you realize as a mom how protective you are and that you have just released them into that big bad world. How do we teach them to stand up for themselves and that backhanding is not acceptable?? J informed me that he has one friend and that is all he needed "Mac" and then proceeded to tell me that his Nana said to him a few weeks back.... "the older you get the more friends you will have". He looks at me and says... "so mom I am not to worried about having only one friend". Alyssa on the other hand the social butterfly she is already was able to list off 20 kids in her class by first name.... And especially the two that were mean to her and that they would not be "allowed" to be her friend. WE talked about that one! So many lessons, and one statement rings true.... "All I ever really needed to know I learned in kindergarten" I think it might be right!! Now if their mom can let them fight their own battles and support them through their pain and tears and happiness and joy..... Then we will be good!!

Today I can say, I sort of wish time could stand still.... Just for a minute!! LOVING every minute of it!

Way better than papers!

2010-08-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

So I should be writing three papers for grad school right this second.... Procrastination at its finest!!! I started school last week and love it. I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I am also on an 8 day countdown to some very big very great news in the career realm..... Counting down the days trust me!

Last week we had back to school night for the littles, who are starting Kindergarten. I can't imagine that just a little over six years ago I was dreaming of the day that I would have a baby, let alone have a kindergartner or two for that matter. A good friend and I were talking the other day about the fact that when they said kids, they didn't mention this part. The part where they are not a succinct little fun package that you carry on your hip and dress up really cute. They actually develop into little humans, with personality, attitude, and mouths. Even better they develop into little humans that have goals, dreams, and aspirations. J walked out of his room the other day dressed in his doctor scrubs and went into an entire disertation about how he was going to be a doctor and would I let him, even if he was still a little doctor come to work with me and help the guys I help? Uhhhh, could you die? Alyssa, is dying to play soccer and according to the other mother actually full fledged kicked a soccer ball sitting stationary on the shelf. How exciting to move ahead in the lives of these littles and watch them dream, grow, explore and discover.

It is hard sometimes, I hope in the fifty percent of their lives that I get to spend with them I can show them everything they ever need to know from me that is.... I mean I know the other mom does an incredible job too! She and I are just different, I hope for them they have the chance to take both of our strengths and have the opportunity to be very successful. Exciting times are ahead this I am sure of!!! This will be a first for them to be seperated as we have chosen to put them in different classes in Kindergarten. A who depends on J for so much of her support will finally have the opportunity to discover her own independence and consistency. J who has spent the good majority of his life protecting his amazing big sister will finally have the chance to take a break for the little brother bully mentality he has lived for so long. It will be new pastures for both of them and it is my hope that they both thrive in their new environments.

Well I suppose I should get back to the papers I am procrastinating, somehow they haven't gone away.

2010...... here goes nothing!!

2010-08-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

What an amazing year it has been and it really just keeps getting better. In the last 7 months, I have started 2 new programs within my organization, graduated with my undergraduate degree, and been accepted to the MSW program at the University of Utah. It has not been easy but it has definitely been worth it. My babies are doing so well and will be starting in all day kindergarten the same day I start Grad School.

I had an incredible amount of trepidation when applying and making the decision to enter grad school. I felt very strong about the fact that this was in fact going to take away from the kids and they have certainly been through enough loss. One of my Executives in my organization pulled me aside and said "what are you so afraid of?" "Becky Brown what would you do if you knew you could not fail." I explained my fears about taking away from my children and being a half time single mom and the impact that this would have on them. I will be working full + time going to school full + time and doing a practicum both years, I looked at him and said "how can this be fair to my kids?" He said to me "the years will pass anyways, and being the parent of teenagers as they get older I can promise you that they will only need you more."

So I stopped making excuses and started planning to apply for the program. To my surprise I was accepted. I will be starting the program in a couple of weeks, and have already started my first practicum.

On a more fun note, the kids and I have had a blast this summer, tons of traveling and time together. I have also been traveling a lot for work and that schedule continues. I ran another half marathon in the spring and hope to incorporate a few more into the coming months.

I am hoping to document more of the events and experiences I am having through the next couple of years!!

Learning to stand on my own two feet, be accountable, and really take a step back and reevaluate my life has been nothing short of a miracle over the last year. Everything looks different but that has not come easily or without a lot of work! Here's to another chapter closing and new ones opening!!

Missing Pieces

2010-02-07T09:15:00.000-08:00

Wow it has been a while since blogging, but it is looking like I need to get back at it. I miss going back and reading stories about my babies, my life, my job. In fact my life is so crazy sometimes I can't remember last week. A lot has changed in my life over the last two years and more in the last six months than I ever thought possible. Instead of swimming around in the MUCK of it all I think it is best that we just move forward from here. So here's to a new year, new discovery, and progress!!

Life is precious.... I get it

2009-06-11T18:47:00.001-07:00

WOW.... I don't even know where to start but I have to start somewhere! So April 29th my life changed significantly.... Hopefully only momentarily. I was horseback riding and the horse spooked and took me for at least an 8 second ride. I held on for a good while and flew off, had a 2 minute seizure, suffered a head injury and the horse landed with his foot on my wrist and popped the tendons off both sides (waiting on surgery), I also smashed the entire right side of my face. Nice I know....... Its been a long month. I have been unable to do anything, run, laugh, play football, school, work, and parent. Things are slowly getting better, I still have a consistent headache and lots of doctors appointments.

I also have had lots of other changes but ultimately in the last couple of weeks decided to move back to my parents with the kids. I REALLY want to buy a house and sort of needed to take a deep breath and pull myself together, get some things in order, and figure out what exactly I was doing. It has been a rough year but living at moms momentarily is finally making me feel like I can take a deep breath, especially with my health momentarily. Nothing like being this age and moving back home but it is very temporary till I can get refinanced off of my old house!! I am looking forward to buying something soon!

Anyways, thought I would drop a quick one. I will post some recent pictures and updates soon!!!

Nada lotta!! But SPRING HAS SPRUNG!!

2009-03-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

I was so sick of looking at my last post I had to post something...... I have been busy, and I cannot confirm or deny what I have been busy doing. Life just gets busy and incase you didn't notice I think Spring has Sprung (the rollerblades have officially been out more then once) !! I thought that over a month ago when I was trying to will Spring to be here but I think this time it is FINALLY coming! I am on the three week countdown to my next half marathon, I have not been training much because I have been doing an amazingly long "body cleanse" of sorts. So wish me luck in my heafty three week training program aka... I hope I don't die in that 13.1 miles!!

Life is excellent, the kids are excellent and growing like weeds and have had their bikes out and are talking about boating, fishing, hiking, and all that fun stuff we do in the spring and summer!

My baby bro is about to deploy again in a week for Afghanistan this time which turns my stomach as usual but it will be good I am sure!

You will hear from me again soon I promise!

WORDS TO LIVE BY..........Cultivate Compassion in Your Life

2009-03-04T11:50:00.000-08:00

I know this article is lengthy but I can't get over it.... This is some amazing stuff I think so often in life we forget the importance of compassion in our lives and the words "Cultivating Compassion" AWESOME!! The world would probably be a much better place if we followed even half of these things!! DONTCHA THINK?

How to Cultivate Compassion in Your Life

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~ Dalai Lama
Why develop compassion in your life? Well, there are scientific studies that suggest there are physical benefits to practicing compassion.[1] But there are other benefits as well, and these are emotional and spiritual. The main benefit is that it helps you to be more happy, and brings others around you to be more happy. If we agree that it is a common aim of each of us to strive to be happy, then compassion is one of the main tools for achieving that happiness. It is therefore of utmost importance that we cultivate compassion in our lives and practice compassion every day.
How do we do that? This guide contains 7 different practices that you can try out and perhaps incorporate into your every day life.

Steps

Develop a morning ritual. Greet each morning with a ritual. Try this one, suggested by the Dalai Lama: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” Then, when you’ve done this, try one of the practices below.
Practice empathy. The first step in cultivating compassion is to develop empathy for your fellow human beings. Many of us believe that we have empathy, and on some level nearly all of us do. But many times we are centered on ourselves and we let our sense of empathy get rusty. Try this practice: Imagine that a loved one is suffering. Something terrible has happened to him or her. Now try to imagine the pain they are going through. Imagine the suffering in as much detail as possible. After doing this practice for a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.
- To keep empathy from turning into sympathy, keep your focus on the other person, rather than allowing your empathy to shift your focus to your own experience and memory of suffering.[2]
Practice commonalities. Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to recognize what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, and shelter, and love. We crave attention, and recognition, and affection, and above all, happiness. Reflect on these commonalities you have with every other human being, and ignore the differences. One favorite exercise comes from a great article from Ode Magazine — it’s a five-step exercise to try when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself:[3]
1. Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
2. Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
3. Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
4. Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
5. Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
Practice relief of suffering. Once you can empathize with another person, and understand his humanity and suffering, the next step is to want that person to be free from suffering. This is the heart of compassion — actually the definition of it. Try this exercise: Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end, and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.
- A study suggests that the more you meditate on compassion, the more your brain reorganizes itself to feel empathy towards others.[4]
Practice the act of kindness. Now that you’ve gotten good at the fourth practice, take the exercise a step further. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end — perhaps your mother or another loved one. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Once you get good at this stage, practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person. Practice doing something kind to help ease the suffering of others. When you are good at this, find a way to make it a daily practice, and eventually a throughout-the-day practice.
Move beyond to practice compassion for those who mistreat us. The final stage in these compassion practices is to not only want to ease the suffering of those we love and meet, but even those who mistreat us. When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Try to imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things had happened to that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person. Once you have mastered this practice of reflection, try acting with compassion and understanding the next time a person treats you. Do it in little doses, until you are good at it. Practice makes perfect.
- It will take time to manage your emotions to the extent that you can practice full compassion, but the following techniques will help; in addition, people who practiced them in a study produced 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23 percent less cortisol — the “stress hormone.”[5]
  - Cut-through: Observe your feelings, focusing on your heart. Pretend you're someone outside of the situation, giving yourself advice like "Relax, it's no big deal." Imagine your negative feelings getting absorbed and diffused by your heart. This will help you transform rather than repress your negative feelings.[6]
  - Heart lock-in: Quiet your mind and focus your attention on your heart. Tap into feelings that you have towards someone or something you love easily, and try to stay with that feeling for ten or fifteen minutes. Then imagine sending those feelings to yourself and others.[7]
- You may also want to read How to Forgive.
Develop an evening routine. It is highly recommended that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated this morning, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? And if you have time, try one of the above practices and exercises.

Video

Osho examines the nature of compassion from a radically different perspective. He points out that "passion" lies at the root of the word, and then proceeds to challenge assumptions about what compassion really is. He shows how the path to authentic compassion arises from within, beginning with a deep acceptance and love of oneself. Only then, says Osho, does compassion flower into a healing force, rooted in the unconditional acceptance of the other as he or she is.

Tips

These compassionate practices can be done anywhere, any time. At work, at home, on the road, while traveling, while at a store, while at the home of a friend or family member. By sandwiching your day with a morning and evening ritual, you can frame your day properly, in an attitude of trying to practice compassion and develop it within yourself. And with practice, you can begin to do it throughout the day, and throughout your lifetime. This, above all, will bring happiness to your life and to those around you.

Things You'll Need

Ritual
Routine
Healthy diet
Positive thinking

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

Original source of article, Zen Habits, A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life with 7 Practices. Shared with appreciation under an uncopyright licence.

↑ http://esciencenews.com/articles/2008/10/07/compassion.meditation.may.improve.physical.and.emotional.responses.psychological.stress

↑ http://bexhuff.com/2008/05/empathy-vs-sympathy

↑ http://www.odemagazine.com/doc/44/love_thy_neighbour_for_he_is_me/

↑ http://www.forbes.com/feeds/hscout/2008/03/27/hscout613899.html

↑ http://www.heartmath.org/research/science-of-the-heart-emotional-balance.html

↑ http://www.pbs.org/bodyandsoul/203/heartmath.htm

↑ http://www.pbs.org/bodyandsoul/203/heartmath.htm

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Cultivate Compassion in Your Life. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

........ and then it was gone

2009-02-19T10:06:00.000-08:00

Specifically related to my last post FEAR. Okay well maybe not all the way but getting there. I had the most amazing experience last Saturday and was invited by some amazing friends to an Indian Sweat lodge. I can't really describe it in words in fact the experience is not one that can really be verbalized. However it was the most incredible thing I have done for myself in a long time. 4 hours of sweating, 4 hours of letting go, and 4 hours of rediscovery. I have walked through this week feeling extremely blessed for the experience, even more blessed to have amazing people in my life that bring more to my life then I ever thought possible. So.... an enormous thank you to those currently involved in "the journey" you know who you are and know that you hold an incredibly special place in my heart.

Speaking of incredible people... The kids and I were invited to attend a Valentines Day gathering with some friends. I say some friends but I would rather refer to them as some of the most amazing, inspiring and incredible mothers and friends I have had in my life. The kids enjoyed playing and running with the other 10 kids that are all within 2 years of their age. Watching them with free spirits enjoy life and enjoy the other kids. While they did that I engaged in a Wii fit tournament at which I was humbled by my incredibly athletic friends who can swing it, shake it, and jump it like nobodies business.

Also on Saturday we had some pictures done of the kids and I thanks to BS who was incredibly patient and did an amazing job!! Of which you can see above.... If you would like to see more of her work and more of our pictures (MOM) you can look at www.flickr.com/beckbeau.

I finally finished another class and school is rockin!

And the best news of the week is that I have started to plan my SUMMER!!!! YAY!! My new game in life is to try to incorporate and of the following into anything I am saying, makes the days go faster and puts a smile on my face. I have several runs scheduled, lots of camping trips, four wheeling, horseback riding, summer concerts, hiking, boating, and hopefully lots of play time with my amazing kids and friends!

FEAR

2009-02-05T12:15:00.000-08:00

Life is strange..... It has been quite some time since the ENORMOUS change in my life!! I do pretty well for the most part!! I have amazing people around me and I consider myself very blessed for that. I have been experiencing some pretty amazing things. I do manage most of the time to put on a face of strength and walk with my head held high! I however realized last night as I was reeling in bed with an incredible migraine headache that I am still carrying so much fear... And fear is anxiety.. And anxiety creates complacency and stunts growth.. So I guess mostly I had to acknowledge my fears. I have been getting more and more headaches recently and I really think that might be why... I have to stop bottling all of that fear. It is not like I can even really put a finger on what my fears are exactly but more then anything it is the fear of the unknown, vulnerability, trusting, progress and maybe myself!

I use a story in my work sometimes to help people acknowledge the power of their fear and I am going to put it out here. I used to horseback ride ALOT and had an accident at one point off of the horse it wasn't really pretty. Anyways the old adage "real cowgirls get back on and keep riding" has always been one of my statements to live by. But at that moment in my life I was scared to death, a good friend looked at me and said.... "acknowledge your fear, and turn it into learning how to respect the powerfulness of the horse" in other words I had to at that young age of seventeen learn to acknowledge, accept and respect the power of (in that instance the horse). I use it in my work to teach my clients about respecting the power of addiction and acknowleging the fear but remembering that "courage is being scared to death but saddling up for the ride anyways"

Anyways, putting this out there more for myself and my own acknowledgment of fear in my life today...... So I guess for today there it is and moving forward, learning how to respect the power of life's journey!

Mommy?? Who is looking at your butt!!

2009-01-28T16:22:00.000-08:00

Funny story of the week....... My kids are full of them, questions, concerns and comments!! I never realized how in tune they are and just how much they listen to EVERYTHING!!

So.... We are taking the LONG drive to daycare this morning and there is this commercial on the radio that says something like this (I think it is a weight watchers or something)
"Oh my gosh have you seen Becky's butt lately it looks so great"

So from the back seat I hear hysterical laughing........ followed by Alyssa saying Mommy did you hear that, them saying did you see Mommy Becky's butt" Jackson could hardly contain himself he has this hysterical laugh that is as low as any man you would meet. Jackson with his inquisitive self stated "Mommy, who is looking at your butt, huh who is it." We all laughed and the drive continued!!

Have I mentioned that I have the most PHENOMENAL kids EVER!!

Phoenix Half Marathon

2009-01-20T08:21:00.000-08:00

Rebecca Brown #42647
Kearns, UTAge: 29 Gender: F
("2:57:41");

Distance
HALF MAR
Clock Time
3:22:45
Chip Time
2:57:41
Gender Place
9684 / 14046
Age Grade
37%
Placeoall
16524
Placediv
1923
Pace
13:34
Ttldiv
2457
Ttlsex
14047
5 Km
40:59
10 Km
1:18:52
10 2 Mile
2:13:06

The results!! Not my best run but an absolutely amazing trip!! Phoenix is an incredible state the weather was wonderful but most of all I spent time with some of the most amazing women ever!! I am so lucky to have people in my life that push and encourage positive things! I often think about where my life was 2 years ago, 90 pounds heavier and totally inactive. I always talk with my clients at work about how you will never sore with the eagles when you were on the ground with the pigeons. My life 2 years ago was rather mundane, I spent a significant amount of time either eating or on the couch, not to mention raising two wonderful young kids.

It is funny, many people in my life have mentioned that they think running is self punishment, I have to disagree...... I LOVE running, I feel incredible when I do it and it motivates me to be better in my life!! It is also incredibly calming and I find myself in a zone unlike anything else I do in my life. My life and purpose becomes clearer when I run, I hit mile 11 on the 1/2 marathon and felt myself pulling from the deepest parts of me, there is a drive an motivation that is soulful for sure. Although my time in this marathon was not as good as my last it was more amazing then the first. The Ogden Half I ran last year was all down hill well mostly downhill. The Phoenix Half had more intense terrain!!

I am looking at about 4-5 more half marathons this spring summer and fall at minimum so I better keep training and I am considering beginning training for a triathalon, have to get a new bike though since last summer K's brother managed to have mine stolen at work!! BUMMER!

Oh yes....... and among other big news!! I got my first and probably only tattoo, it is the trusty old Turtlefly and is represented on K's page and is at the top of this post. I will post a picture soon as it looks on my shoulders, it is amazing and sits between my shoulder blades. I have wanted a tattoo for a lot of years have juggled many ideas back and forth but this one I knew that I could commit to forever as it represents my children and was drawn by a mutual friend of mine and K's. I have never wanted to just drive myself to the tattoo shop in SLC and get it so it worked out since I was running a half in Phoenix Arizona, I run for my children, and the turtlefly represents them to me. Okay so it is freakin amazing!! It looks amazing the colors are amazing and I can't believe at 29 1/2 I finally did it, on a trip I will never forget doing something I love!

Mommy.... It is all I got but will it make you happy?

2009-01-12T21:32:00.000-08:00

So I would like to preface this post by saying a couple of things..... Throughout the entire demise of my marriage, I have worked diligently to shield and protect my children from any of my own pain, tears or sadness. So this is not a regular occurrence by any means, but I have also decided following the events that it is perfectly acceptable for them to understand that I too am human.

Tonight was one of those nights, K sent some stuff home with the kids that had been at the house and as I was going through it I shed some tears..... The pain and loss of a 7 year relationship is still extremely painful at times.... But more then anything it happens when the memories of things creep up! K returned a few of my bags that had remained at the house and in them were hidden treasures of years gone by. The purses I had thrown in the closet after they had become old and tired held memories of the love and joy that carried us through some of our toughest times.... I had put the kids to bed and sat to reminisce for a moment and I cried, not sobbed just those big welling dropping tears that run your mascara and leave water marks on your clothes.

I looked over to see my beautiful princess A standing looking at me wringing her little hands quietly watching me. Immediately I tried to look away, hide my face and dry my eyes. She ever so somberly walked over to me and looked at me in the eyes, it was a deeper look then that of a four year old. She grabbed my face and said "Oh mommy what is making you sad, what is the matter." I responded with nothing is wrong nothing is the matter. A says as matter of factly as I have ever heard as she rested her hands on my cheeks. "No mom you are sad and you have two tears" she gently wiped them from my eyes and leaned in to hug me. I figured at this moment it was important for her to know that even mommies have sadness... We talked about it a little and I just let her know that sometimes in our life we have things that make us sad, we miss things, people, places. A looked to me again and said (and I am not even kidding you) her hands wrapped in mine "Oh, so mom sometimes you are sad because you miss coming home with us and Mommy K". She is my angel, she is my strength, and at that moment I just held her and told her "yes honey sometimes it is hard when we don't have what we thought we would" But reminded her that we have an amazing family, and an amazing home and that we are all lucky to have each other, lucky that Mommy K and Mommy B still love each other and most lucky that we have two of the most amazing children on the planet. A then says "well mommy its all gonna be okay." I thanked her for being so wonderful and sweet and caring. She disappeared for a bit and I heard her rummaging through her room a little....... She returned with pure innocence and love with a bow that was smashed completely, but might be the most BEAUTIFUL bow I have ever seen and says "Mommy, this is all I have, but will it make you happy?"

Can I just say children are unbelievable... I am so lucky to have been blessed with the beauty of my children. That bow will never leave, it is a symbol of the purest and most true compassion I have ever experienced.

Mostly, I wanted to share this story with all of you not because I wanted to share my sadness... I usually hide that pretty well... Mostly I wanted share with you the innocence of the abounding love of children. I also wanted to take a moment to note such a beautiful story, provided by such a beautiful daughter.

Is it over yet??????

2008-12-24T08:28:00.000-08:00

I see everyone's posts saying they can't believe it is December..... Christmas has come so fast.... Well not to be a bahumbug at all but all I have to say is "IS IT OVER YET?" Of course I love Christmas, but for the love of god they started playing Christmas music in October...... This has been one hell of a year and to be honest I am REALLY quite excited about what 2009 will bring.... Could this year just be over!!

The kids and I have been having a great time. I am still living with my incredible friends, they let me remodel a room in the basement so I have started to feel like i have my own space, it is awesome, I have the kids sharing a room and now have my own room!! I have started to slowly acquire some new furniture and rescue some old furniture from my old house........ It is weird what we go back to but as I take loads from the house I realize that the majority of what comes my way are things that I acquired long before my relationship..... Interesting how we hold on to things that are meaningful and hold a lot of memories.

I brought the kids to a party at the jail where they got to see Santa~!

I hope that hey don't think Santa lives at the jail...... I always make jail out to be a not so fun place but they sure had a great time.

Anyways, to all my friends I hope you have an amazing Christmas and YAY for 2009

The Junkie That Stole Christmas

2008-12-11T07:31:00.000-08:00

So..... I have talked before about my amazing job. I love my job, I love my job because I don't really work for the money, and it is about so much more then that for me. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have the opportunity to impact lives daily on the level that I do. Anyways, this post really isn't about me.... In fact, this is more about my job impacting me this week.
Every year around Christmas the clients that I work with are given the opportunity to perform a "holiday presentation". We make them aware of the idea in October and they start planning, we never know what will come of it, or how creative they may get... A reminder I work in a jail, creativity runs few and far between here. They are not given props, outfits, music. But they manage to come up with all of it. Yesterday was one of the 2 program "holiday presentations" that we hold. The ladies I work with decided that the theme for the year would be "The Junkies that Stole Christmas". Although I won't go in to every countless detail, I will say that the idea was that as a drug addict so often they cannot even hear the sounds of Christmas any more. They cannot deal with the feelings surrounding the holidays and in an effort to deal with this they continue to get high. Throughout the skit they came up with songs that were parodies from all of our favorite Christmas Songs i.e "Yellow Cells" instead of Silver Bells, All I want for Christmas is Sobriety instead of my two front teeth. Anyways you get the drift, although the experience is very surreal, it is filled with creativity. The story line ends with them being arrested and sentenced to the substance abuse program in the jail, release from jail, and the next year they can then feel and hear Christmas. My clients albeit by their own choices are at a place in their lives that they have lost any and everything that means or meant anything to them. Their choices have led to the loss of family, children, belongings, safety, a home, and most of all hope! I sat and watched yesterday as these women performed and realized....... For a moment right then they had the opportunity to experience HOPE, ACCOMPLISHMENT, ACHIEVEMENT, JOY, FRIENDSHIP, CAMARADERIE, and SUCCESS. For each women the void that simple moment may have filled for them is untouchable. My wish for all of them is that during this holiday time they finally get to remember all of those feelings, with a clear head and a clearing heart they get to be just a little more humble and spend today and everyday with just a little more hope!

The last day okay so a few more pics

2008-11-28T16:24:00.001-08:00

Our last day has been a BLAST we spent the afternoon at the beach!! YAY for a sunny Friday in California

The last several

2008-11-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

Well the initial excitment of the trip trickled over the last couple of days, we have still been having a great time but been doing a whole lot of nothing. The weather has been cold and a bit dreary, we have played smashball in the condo, played all kinds of imaginary games, enjoyed each others company (for the most part) and done a lot of resting. It has been really nice to just relax, I forget how it feels to relax and realize that I spend most of my life go, go going. Between two kids, school, work, the gym, and training for the upcoming marathon in Phoenix in January, I have not stopped. I was telling my dad today, I don't remember the last time I slept this much, going to bed at 9pm has been real weird!! It gets dark here at like 4:30 pm so by 9 I feel like it is extremely late! Not to mention with 2 boys in the house we have watched a CONSIDERABLE amount of football, I have been sufficiently schooled with some new football skills I think.

Here are a few of the latest pictures I have to share..

Day Four (Tuesday)

2008-11-26T13:19:00.001-08:00

We spent some more time at the beach today!! Mostly we have been enjoying our time as a family!

Day Three (Monday)

2008-11-25T14:21:00.001-08:00

So Monday was a great day!! We ventured out to Legoland California, it was amazing I can't even tell you the coolest things were built out of lego's. My kids were still a little bit young and after that experiance I realized they are WAY to young to go to Disneyland yet.

The evening was spent out with my bro, he and a group of Marines went to a concert and they invited me to go also. Let me tell you, a group of Marines, just off of deployment we had a rockin good time but I am still trying to feel well today, if you know what I mean! Anyways, we went to Cross Canadian Ragweed and Randy Rogers concert and honestly I had never heard of them before but they were amazing! I am definitely a new fan!

I have included a couple of pictures from our day of fun!!

Day Two (Sunday)

2008-11-25T08:29:00.001-08:00

Day One (Saturday)

2008-11-23T21:24:00.001-08:00

San Diego Trip

2008-11-22T21:41:00.001-08:00

Well the last 24 hours have been amazing, we arrived in California yesterday around One o'clock got checked in to the condo and everyone got ready to go pick up Uncle Jonny who was coming home from Iraq. Boy, the kids have been hyped about it all week. J was convinced we were going to Iraq to get him and threw a melt down fit last Monday when he found out A. that we were not leaving for 4 more days and B. When he was told that we weren't going to Iraq, just California!!

The final Countdown, I didn't really know what to expect for a homecoming but we were all buzzing for sure!! We arrived on base and found out that they would not be here for at least four more hours!! Are you kidding me entertain my kids for four more hours!! Well, luckily they had bounce houses set up and the best idea yet BIG huge sheets of bubble wrap taped all over the floor!! This kept the kids busy for hours and hours. Infact, I think I am going to do that and just that for my next kids birthday party and I swear it is better then any entertainment yet!

So.... We waited and waited in anticipation to see this brother, son, and uncle step off the bus. And then it happened 6 buses pulled up and they all filed off. I cried couldn't help it. I cried for the family in front of us whose daddy had never met the new baby. For the children that were walking that were tiny when their dads left and I cried for the dads whose children didn't know them because they had been gone so long and were afraid to be held by them. I cried for the kids who went through the summer without a dad to watch all of their soccer games. I could go on and on!! It was amazing, hundreds and hundreds of people there for these amazing men who fight to make sure that mine and your kids are essentially protected, these amazing men who put their lives on the line everday for our safety!!

My Baby Bro was tired, he looked tired and dirty, says he has not taken a real shower with hot water let alone water for 8 months. He talked about camel spiders, and being scared shitless at times. He came back rather humbled, but overall says... "You know it really wasn't that bad". He has to go back in 5 more months so I guess that is a good attitude to have.

We now have an entire week together to hang out and he definitely has some winding down to do.

I woke up this morning and ran 5 miles (boy wouldn't I love to live at sea level, I love love love running here, much like I loved running when I lived on the East Coast) We went to breakfast, did some grocery shopping and spent several hours digging holes on the beach. Tonight my lovely mother stayed at the condo with the kids and my bro, dad and I went to a local pub to watch the BYU vs. Utah game over a couple of beers.

Tonight, Alyssa did my hair, I did her hair to match and then we did Nanas hair so we could all be matching!! It is times like this that really make you appreciate your family and it is a good reminder for me about what matters most!

Amazing

2008-11-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

WE DID IT!! The change our nation needs so desperately seems to be on its way!! CAN I GET A HELL YEAH! I am so excited for our new President Elect, I am so excited that there will be a difference in at least the next four years! Obam*A is a stunning man, who came from adversity, who understands what it means to truly be American!! I am thrilled!!

On a lighter note the last couple of weeks have been a lot of fun, Halloween was a blast with my kids! We are so lucky to experiance holidays with kids, boy it sure makes a big difference and is SO much more fun, I missed out all of these years!!

Here are some amazing photos!

This and that

2008-10-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy couple of weeks, I finished a very difficult class to begin another difficult class. 8 classes left to my degree and that is about all that keeps me going. I figure I don't really have an excuse though since I was able to maintain school and go through some very difficult times in my life this summer. I did some fun things this last week, I took the kids to a local corn maize and they loved it. They loved it all except for the haunted dinosaur of which we found the nearest exit. The kids were scared to death, when we came out little J looked at me and said "mom my life was scared inside my body". The things kids say. Sunday some friends went to L*^agoon for frig(**htmares and we all had a blast. A is my fearless child on all of the rides, even puts her hands up the whole time on the tidal wave, but not J he is kind of a wimp these days, gotta do something to toughen him up. They enjoyed themselves we have good friends and they always end up being the center of attention!

I started training for a half marathon that is taking place in January in Phoenix and will be going down with some friends, it is looking like I am going to have some heavy competition and some very athletic folks to keep up with. So I started going to the gym, because I couldn't quite keep myself motivated at home, it is always easier to do laundry, school work, or something else. The benefit of the gym is that I have daycare for an hour and a half a day there, the kids enjoy playing and I get to excercise which I enjoy very much. Something about looking at "fit" people keeps me motivated, plus I can watch my kids on the T.V screen in the daycare! LOL.

Looking forward to a great weekend, I get to take the kids on Halloween which I am happy about and Saturday I am taking the four wheeler out for one last hurrah prior to the really cold winter time. I am excited for the holidays though because just getting through them means that we are closer to spring. Spring means T-ball, soccer, camping, boating, hiking, and FUN!!

I will be leaving to join my mom and dad with the kids in San Diego in a few weeks. My little baby brother is returning from this go around being deployed. We are all so excited that he will be coming home and his return happens to fall over the Thanksgiving holiday. So we decided to rent a beach house for that week and spend Thanksgiving on the beach in San Diego. I am so lucky that K is so giving and is given me the go ahead to take the kids for that long over our first holiday apart no less, it is very gracious of her. Thanks K it really means a lot.

Divorce and seperation is a difficult thing, even more difficult is holidays and lost time with kids, doing all of the "firsts" with out the entire family. We are all adjusting and moving in a positive direction but it is definitely a bumpy road with a HUGE learning curve!

The single life..................... boy was that something I never thought I would say, the single life has been interesting, for the most part I have enjoyed it but also had some moments of intense clarity about my own desires, wishes, needs, hopes, goals, and plan. It is a VERY strange thing when all of the sudden you and only you are at the helm of your own ship. The most amazing realization I have had is that the number one relationship I have to work on is that with my kids. I have spoken of this before, but truly taking the opportunity to enjoy life as a mom has been the greatest blessing. Dating occasionally has proven to be somewhat of a nightmare and I will leave it at that. For me learning to set boundaries, say no to things I don't want to do and learning not to over commit myself to social gatherings, people, and events have been my most recent accomplishments!

I will post pictures soon from the last few weeks!

Mommy we fed the goldfish

2008-10-15T15:30:00.000-07:00

So recently I decided to (against my better judgement) get the kids a goldfish that "they really really wanted so much." Cute little guy although he is a goldfish he is black with the cute big bulgie eyes. Well we have had him for a couple weeks and he is still alive. LUCKILY, poor guy had a rough start to life. Alyssa held the bag the first night we got home and Flung the poor thing across the room, he bounced at least three times and I covered my eyes thought for sure the bag would break open. So the other night the kids come running up "Mommy we fed the fish and gave him water(Raphey is his name) he was hungry." I said without thinking anything of it "thanks for feeding the fish." A while later I went downstairs to see the 4 inch layer of fish food spread across the bottom of the tank and an empty bottle of the PH balancer and an empty bottle of fish food.

OMG I love kids, life would be pretty boring without them!! No worries the tank was cleaned, the fishies ecosystem was brough back in balance and for today the fish is still alive, the fish food is on a higher shelf and we have had yet another fish feeding lesson deciphering the difference between a pinch of fish food and the whole bottle!

The Evolution of ME!! 2008

2008-10-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

I figure several months and it is time for a new post. Mostly, so everyone knows that I am still alive and kicking!! Even more because as you know I am definitely more of a winter blogger, and FYI I can feel winter in the air. Well... actually more like fall and fall and spring are my two FAVORITE seasons.

Well the last three months have been good for me. I have taken some time to do some major self introspection, learned an incredible amount about myself, identified some faults I have needed to for a while, taken some major accountability for the state of my own life, but most of all learned to love ME!! I am excited about my future and pretty much life in general.

So what have I been doing the last three months....... Well, I have been LOVING being a mommy, spending some major time with my kids, enjoying time with friends, and enjoying some time alone. Probably the biggest thing I have done this summer and ever in my life was travel to the Philippines for 13 days. There are barely words to describe my experiance there, the only that come to mind are that my trip was absolutely LIFE CHANGING, the freedom and intensity that came from my experiance truly has impacted me intensly. If I got to go back there tomorrow it would not be too soon. It is one of the most beautiful and truly amazing places I have been (of course I am not well traveled). The children, the simplicity, the laughter, the quiet moments, the appreciation for my kids, and the appreciation for my change are just some of the things I took from the trip. I would love to share ALL about it ALL but I am afraid that when I talk about it only I can truly feel the impact and so I instead just ramble on and on. I will share pictures though.

I am still in school, on the 11 month countdown to my Bachelors, a ten year goal for me. I always say, I am on the ten year plan for school and realize as I am typing this it is turning into my 12 year plan. But.... who's counting, I got two amazing kids instead!!

I am more excited today to wake up, then I have been in a long time, and I look forward to the next experiance. I have said a few times in all of this "I feel like my life is a social experiment right now, I watch people, observe, and learn." I won't lie I have had some very challenging and lonely moments, but like a beach ball pushed under water I fly right back out/up. I said to a friend tonight, I cannot believe how fast this year has gone, sometimes I want to slow it down. My little brother is coming back in November, the kids and I get to go down to welcome him home and enjoy Thanksgiving with him. My family has rented a beach house for the big event and I think we are all VERY excited. I have had some incredible things happen with work, and have been moved into a supervisory role of a new program so things have been ubberly crazy with those changes.

I have included two slideshows of 2008 in review one of the events of the summer and one of the Philippines

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Life and the pursuit of happiness at 29?

2008-07-07T01:58:00.000-07:00

I did it, I spent my first birthday in 7 years without my family, it wasn't easy for me, I had many sad moments. I unfortunately did not get to spend the weekend with my kids. I felt abnormal and strange at first but I did it. I actually packed up the trailer and spent the weekend camping and boating for my 29Th birthday.

So let me tell you all about it. Our family was originally invited to spend the 4th holiday for my birthday camping at Pineview Reservoir... Well since that didn't work out so well, I had the pleasure of spending my time with some amazing friends. Many friends came and joined me throughout the weekend, we boated, tubed, I attempted wakeboarding and was up for a second (a very brief second) the weather was not conducive to my amateur adventure of it though. The greatest surprise of the whole weekend however was on Saturday night after being joined by about 20 people at the campsite I came up after a long day on the boat to a completely decorated campsite and a HUGE Mexican Fiesta........ Complete with an incredible dinner sombrero, pinata, and lots of fun prizes. It was a blast. It put a huge smile on my face, I had a few moments of feeling pretty lonely on my birthday, it was odd and awkward not to have the people I care most about in my life there to celebrate with me. In life though you have to make the best of situations crappy or not. I wanted to send out a public thank you to all of you who took the time to think of me on my special day!!

Although I struggle I am finding some incredible solice in my independence. I have had the great reminder that I really can do this life on my own and I have it in me to be successful in trials. I also wanted to send out a thanks to all of you who emailed, text and called to wish me happy birthday!!!

Anyways, here's to my independence for today, and goodbye to fear this life is mine and only mine to conquer and take on...I will add some pictures soon!

P.S I would like to clarify a couple of things to ensure that I don't give any false "story" to all of this. Kyla spent the weekends with the kids. She was gracious enough to swap me weekends and I would never want any one to think that she was keeping them from me so if it sounded that way forgive me. I missed them all IMMENSLY camping was not the same without K thats for sure !

You say it best....... When you say nothing at all

2008-06-26T00:22:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since blogging for me. Things have been a bit crazy as some of you know. I decided to put myself out there again, I am still alive. There really is not a lot for me to say right now, the world has been spinning out of control for me for the last couple of months. For now that is all I can really put out there. I cannot paint a picture for you of bliss, peace, or tranquility because that is not where I am at. I am allowing myself the space and time to experiance the greiving process, as I go through the motions of pulling my life together after losing the family that I never thought I would lose. The story doesn't matter and all I can say in all of this is that we all have our own truth, our own experiance, and our own perception.

Thanks to all of you for your mutual support for both K and I.
Thats all for now!

Wow I am a loser!!

2008-03-31T20:22:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged in more then ages. I can't believe it. Here's the deal school is absolutely downright kicking my butt!! I will have been in 2 math courses for a total of 11 weeks. Math has ALWAYS held me back from getting through college. I would take a math course and quit and then I would be totally discouraged about school. I REFUSE to do that this time, I am doing it but it is taking its toll. I am not math smart, I did not pay attention in highschool and my real life really has little to do with math. Tell me to solve a life problem, handle a crisis, or help someone and I am on it. Give me a math problem I go blank there are too many steps. I have never put quite so much time and committment into anything. My family has gone without me and is facing another 5 weeks of it. In addition I have been writing a very large proposal for my job which should be winding down and submitted this week. I know most of you keep up on the other parts of my life on K's blog so I will probably be out for a while longer while I purge every brain cell I have to get through it.

Thanks etc.

2008-02-18T21:17:00.001-08:00

You know it is a good reminder in life that there are just good people out there. People who think of others before themselves! In reading several of those on my blog roll I am reminded of this. Tonight I was reminded of this when some friends called to ask if they could come over and try to get a household issue resolved before Ky got home so that she could be excited and surprised. How nice, how nice that I have had so much love and support while Ky has been gone. Thanks to you all and big hugs.

To all my friends that are dealing with tremendous amounts of CRAP on their own..... We are thinking of you! If there is anything we can do... You know the drill!

On a different note, I spent the morning at the pediatric dentist today....... Jack chipped his damn tooth in the bathtub. Why me, why can't Ky be here when this happens. Now she has to come home to a baby boy with a crooked tooth, I am trying to convince her that this is the first of MANY bumps bruises and bings in this rambunctious childs life.

Amazing

2008-02-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

As I looked around the Capital tonight.... Minus the stress ridden faces from the HORRIFIC drive, I smile inside BIG TIME. What a beautiful and amazing sight to see everyone at the Rally for HB318. It is late, I am tired but I wanted to say a big THANKS to everyone who has been working so hard, it means so much to me. A special shout out to all the Blogger Moms and families and especially Keri you are a truly amazing woman!! I hope everyone made it home safely!!

I forgot... I have to share the news with my closest blogging buds!

2008-01-26T12:55:00.001-08:00

So in all of the craziness I had been wanting to post but keep forgetting. I mentioned in an earlier post about the time that Ky had left me for Hawaii and my Pops passed, that i had to take a National Licensing exam for my Licensed Substance Abuse Counseling License. So you take a test in a room of about 100 people and then walk out having to wait for 6 weeks for the results. It is a bit nerve wracking.... Well I waited and waited and had still not received my letter so I was getting a bit disappointed, the night before we left for San Diego I was checking my home phone messages and there was a big Congrats message from our local Association of Substance Abuse Professionals telling me that I had passed my licensing exam with flying colors. Ky was dead asleep I start screaming and whooping she flies out of bed thinking there was another minor emergency maybe nuclear warfare. After I calmed her and told her the news and made her listen to the message things were better.. The next morning I couldn't really remember if it was a dream or reality, sure enough it was a dream I called and found out that I had passed with a very high score. I am thrilled, I finally get to have some fancy letters after my name after 12 years in the field and over 20,000 hours I have accomplished something. I am thrilled it is another step in the right direction now if I just keep plugging with school and onto my masters degree I can actually "be somebody" (JK).

Last night I went to Michael Franti at the Depot a friend had bought us tickets Ky was not feeling great so I went with a couple of people. It was a blast I really liked him, interesting crowd for sure, nice venue, new kind of music for me and a really great time!!

Another cute tidbit, we had our picture taken for the Pride Center exhibit on Families for winter pride this morning... The women was asking Jack about his favorite superhero, Jack says: Well my Jonny is (cute thats my Cute Marine Corps Bro) I about died because he is a superhero but for Jack to comprehend that is remarkable! Also if ANY of you cute families are interested in being a part of the exhibit it is a free professional family picture and an incredible way to show our pride, goes along nicely with our Legislative Bill work we are doing.. Email me for info it has to be done realatively soon so get on it.

YIPPEEE

2008-01-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

YAY they called today and found 3 more vials today so we have purchased EVERYTHING they have in the place!! So 6 tries!! FINGERS CROSSED and everything else! Thanks ALL!

WOW!! Exciting news!

2008-01-22T19:57:00.000-08:00

So...... We have been talking about starting to try to get pregnant and this next few months will tell alot!! First we were looking for a donor and we were both devastated that we were not able to use Jacks donor, well the good news of the month is not only did we find out that there were 4 vials left at the U but that we could purchase them and use them because we had a successful pregnancy as long as we are being seen by a doc at the U!! So I have an appt, the vials were purchased today but sadley we found out there were only three left unless they find some missing ones tomorrow. They are being stored!! Now, I just have to get pregnant in preferably less then that many tries. That is the part that is so concerning. I know how much many of you have been through and then I see Ky who was prego two out of three tries. She and I were discussing it today and as all do are just going to will it to happen right!!! I know it is easy to be there when you haven't been there before and many of you probably have an eye roll or two but I refuse to be anywhere different then that for now!! I am so damn excited but it is a bit scary too!!!

So I guess the journey begins!!! :)

How did I get so damn lucky??

2008-01-08T20:07:00.000-08:00

So it has been brought to my attention more often then not recently that Ky is good at everything she does. It is so true, I have realized it most myself in the last few weeks.........

Over the past 8 months I have witnessed the most amazing thing.... I have watched a woman emerge from a shell and with the drop of all of her weight I have watched the woman I fell in love with coming back pound by pound inch by inch. Now let me clarify, for me it has absolutely nothing to do with her weight or the way she looks, but with each and every pound that comes of Kyla exudes an extraordinary amount of confidence, drive, motivation, inspiration, and success. I have butterflies again everyday because it is amazing to watch someone you love go through such an enormous change. Everyday I love her more and I didn't even know that was possible but it is. So, several people have said to me recently- Is Ky just good at everything she does, does she always excel, is she always a ten? Let me tell you she is especially now things just seem to have come together physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually!!! Most recently let me name a few of my amazement's

Yesterday we went skiing-KYLA was AMAZING at it, I felt like I was watching a pro!!
KYLA ROCKS at the DRUMS on ROCK*(*BAND playing it the first time oh ya and G)()*UITAR HEROS and on the WII she gets almost perfect 10s in the WII olympics
KYLA informed me tonight that on her own accord she registered and has begun training for her first half marathon in APRIL
KYLA is an incredible mother, lover, wife, friend, listener, partner, cook, maid, etc etc etc etc
KYLA gives 199% to every single thing she does
She continuously supports me and my family no matter what the cost
She received her bachelors degree this winter
She excels in her work
She recently put together a photo DVD for my grandfathers funeral that was so touching, beautiful, well done, and professional with over 40 hours put in and then handed it out to my entire family for Christmas with personalized picture labels of him on the front and wrapped in gorgeous wrapping paper with a 21 gun salute bullet on the front of each gift!

Oh and SHE IS ONE HOT MAMA!!

I mostly wanted to take a moment and pay tribute to an astonishing person!! Someone who has taught me resiliance, consistency, and love!!

I love you BABY more than life, thanks for being mine, thanks for teaching me about that fire deep inside to accomplish things and about keeping it lit. I consider myself forever blessed!!

Ice skating in Salt Lake City.......In the Car!!

2008-01-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

So.... For those of you not in Utah we got a pretty incredible storm today and I was lucky enough to be out driving in it. First driving down I15 A Honda Accord flew past me just in time to lose complete control of their car and went into complete tailspin, back and forth across the freeway, I have no idea how they did not hit a side wall I pretty much stopped on the freeway because I had no idea how it was going to play out. The next thing I know he begins spinning full 360 degree spins facing oncoming traffic then around and around. Eventually he ended up headed the right way, I still have no idea how but we all survived that.

The best part of the story is this.... about two months ago I backed into my tenants car. Put a pretty good scratch on my bumper and scraped by a near divorce, since it is the third car I have dinged or backed into in the last three years. I swear the damn van has blindspots that I can never see out of. A normal person would remember that, me I seem to forget pretty regularly. Well..... I have been hoping for a new bumper and kept thinking soon enough someone as unfortunate as I would rear-end me. Well today it happened I was driving down 1300 south with my cute son in the car and as I came to the stop sign I knew it was very very slippery I had a hard time stopping. No sooner did I look up in my rear view mirror and the car behind me is experiancing the same thing. I tried to put the gas on and get out of the way but the tires would not catch and BAMM right into the back of me. I think he may have been going a bit to fast for the conditions, the scariest part was the fact that I looked into his car and he had two young like 5 year old girls in the car in the front seat thats right two kids in the front seat. I am just grateful that his airbag didn't go off they would have been hurt. Second bad thing is he stated I am a doctor at Pri999mary Chi@*@*@rens Hosp&#&#tal. I think to myself holy moley he has to know what could have happened to his girls. Needless to say everyone was fine, I have a bit of a headache I think from tensing up so much because I saw it coming.... Even better I will be getting a new bumper and rear hatch. I mean it is crappy that anyone had to get into an accident and it could have as easily been me.. I think when I called Ky and said I have been into an accident she had flashbacks of my inappropriate backing into things but her first question was are you okay?

We are really excited we are going skiing tomorrow, it should be really fun we are heading up with some friends. I don't ski, I have skiied once in my life and spent the majority of that time on my butt. Now that we are in better shape we are anxious to get out more and be more active. So here goes nothing!!!! We will report back soon, we will post pictures soon!

Death....Hmm.... What calls someone home??

2007-12-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

Life can certainly change in one fell swoop!! Poppie is gone, I am sad, but it was coming for a while we knew it. How do we prepare for death anyways, this week I sat in a hospital room watching a man I loved dearly gasping for air for 4 days straight. Preparing, or so I thought myself for the one moment in life. I still was not prepared for what this would bring. It has been an emotional rollercoaster.... Overall though it had to happen, I am so grateful that God was finally willing to take this man out of his suffering. Meanwhile as I am sitting at the hospital on Monday I got the call from my Mitchy that his father had passed very suddenly that morning. Well not so suddenly when you have cancer spread throughout your body, you are given three months to live and then 2 days into the hospice care your body has enough. I am much too tired to come up with some philosophy right now but am sure that I will speak more about it later... It is just interesting to think about "What calls someone home?"

To all my dear friends thank you for all of your support!!!

WOW one weekend down, one WEEK to go :)

2007-12-09T19:51:00.000-08:00

Well overall things have gone fairly well for me here. I love my kids, we have had a blast and so many wonderful people have offered support. I got in this weird mode on Thursday and decided that I would take hold of the time that Ky was gone and bleach the entire house I mean sanitize, deep clean. Well I have made some progress, the kids bathroom has never been cleaner, and i have almost completed the kids end of the house. Today I got a wild hair and decided to clean our dry storage and storage room in the basement. Oh my the projects I start now I am sitting here blogging instead of going down to finish it. I will finish it though soley so I can check it off my list. I have written two papers for school, shoveled massive amounts of snow, made snowmen, and completed some Christmas present crafty stuff that I have been meaning to do for a while. It has been good I have been a sort of machine. Isn't it weird that we get more done when the one we love is away, I think it is my way of keeping my mind off of things, plus when she is home it is WAY more fun to cuddle on the couch to a movie.

For fun Friday night a work friend of mine brought over "Roc*k ** B**and) and her playstation 3 and we played that till close to midnight, it sort of goes along with my new Gu**itar He**ros addiction. After the kids were in bed of course. I only wish I was a good as Ky and could put pictures up but thats not my forte.

Anyways, to my wifey, I love you, I miss you immensly, and I am counting the days for you to come home!!

To my friends, thanks for all of the much needed moral support, the phone calls, the offers for drinks, coffee etc. I surely appreciate that you are all amazing!!

Wish me Luck

2007-12-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

My beautiful wife is leaving me tomorrow for 11 days to go to Hawaii to take care of her mom who had surgery. Thats right folks 10 days. I am mostly jealous that she is going to warm and lovely Hawaii, and I will miss her BAD. I think I will handle the kids just fine!! I might need some happy pink pills or just knock me over the head with a bat!! Really it will be fine. I will enjoy the intense quality time with my children and plus thank heavens for daycare, like my wife says "it is only like a couple of hours a night before they go to bed" I say "thats right honey it is just keeping up with all of the stuff you do in addition that makes it a bit difficult". Love you my girl!!!! Hurry Home and remember you deserve a bit of a break!!

It can't be that bad compared to the last couple of days, as some of you know our furnace went out on Sunday morning and we have been without heat till just late this afternoon. What a nightmare, unreal!! ITs all good though it is fixed!

New class started ight love my class so that is good!!

Sorry I am so boring but that is 2 posts in 1 day pretty fancy if you ask me!

Lets do this Utah PEEPS

2007-12-05T18:04:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are not already involved in this:

I am on the board for a legislative bill that is going to the House in January 2008As most of you know we have a little girl that is adopted but we were unable to legally foster her or adopt her as a couple. This bill is VITAL for all LGBT who are hoping to have children, have children, or have the potential for fostering children within their family or otherwise. Ultimately this bill would allow for second parent adoption for now we are just going to take it step by step.

This is going to require a TREMENDOUS amount of support from everyone in Utah. We want all to be involved this is going to take action and a big push from all including, LGBT parents, grandparents,supporters, allies, and friends.

We are hosting a meeting at our house on December 17th at 7:00 pm. Kids are welcome. In this meeting we will tell you what you can do to help, we will discuss the rally that will take place in February. We will talk about other bills that have been overturned that are similar to this back in 2000. My email is below for more info!

We NEED all of our friends to be involved kids or not to be there, because we know that you ALL support and love our children. We will also host meetings in Northern Utah, Tooele, Sandy/Riverton area over the next month.

I have included some additional information below, if you have ANY questions please email or call me!! Thanks in advance for your support. Also please keep this going, pass it on your bulletin, we must educate everyone we know because most think we already have these rights!

If you have other questions about this you can email me at rebecca.brown2@gmail.com and I will get you in touch with the right people, I am just not comfortable posting all contact info now.

ADOPTION FACT SHEET 12.07

SUPPORT Adoption Amendments

Adoption and foster care decisions should be made by
parents and professionals, not politicians. All qualified
parents should be able to adopt.

• The marital restriction costs taxpayers. Children with two parents
are less likely to end up on CHIP, food stamps, and welfare than those
with only one parent. Current law prevents a parent from sharing rights
and responsibilities with another cohabiting adult if they are not married.
This creates families with a working adult and a child on welfare.

• The marital restriction has harmed children in crisis. In 1999, the
year before the marital restriction, DCFS placed 644 children with
relatives. As of last year, relative placement had dropped by 31%. In
that same time frame, the number of children in state custody and the
length of time in custody have increased.

• Parents should have the right to choose who raises their children.
A parent knows what is in their child’s best interests. Under current law,
a single parent can designate someone for a second parent adoption,
including a roommate or a lover who lives somewhere else. But if the
second adult lives with the parent in a committed relationship, the law
says they are disqualified.

• The best interests of the child should not be ignored. In October
2007, a court told Gregg and Mike Valdez that their four nieces and
nephews would be taken away and placed in foster care because Gregg
and Mike were not married. Even though the children were with relatives
and were all together, the law prevented the court from considering what
would benefit the children.

• Married couples will still have priority to adopt. Utah values
traditional families. And under Adoption Amendments, a married couple
will take priority over other candidates in the adoption process. But any
loving and supportive family is preferable to no family for children in
crisis.

SUPPORT Adoption Amendments

Mommy its Jesus and stuff

2007-11-14T21:12:00.000-08:00

I have a final tomorrow but I had to write this while I was thinking about it!! 2 of the funniest things from the mouths of babes. So, I had to go for my weekly shot of god at the doctors office and I had the day off so the kids were home with me (it only took one day to be reminded of why I go to work everyday, I would go NUTS, I LOVE my kids but I am pretty certain I am a better as a professional working mother, thanks GOD for our wonderful daycare lady) Okay back to the story, doctors office and kids Alyssa is sitting next to me and she can see through a window into another office where a man is sitting, before looking that direction Alyssa SCREAMS at the top of her lungs with excitement "MOMMY LOOK ITS JESUS" I was agahst and it took me a minute to figure it all out, the entire room was also in awe, like what do these people teach there kid. Well I should explain that the guy did have very long brown hair down his back....... I have not stopped laughing since about it. So I look at her and say "No, honey that is not Jesus, he is in heaven, and please don't scream like that it scares me" Alyssa says in a very slight whisper "Okay Mommy but that is Jesus I promise". Weird who knows maybe it was??

The other funny of the day is that this morning Alyssa had come to lay in bed with her Mama and she says "Hey mom there is chocolate in my pink bed" Ky says "Chocolate??? Honey will you go check Alyssa's bed for chocolate." So I go in there thinking maybe she had a hidden candy bar. Sure enough I should know better there was a nice brown area on her bed, she still wears a pull up so I have no idea how it made its way there, I am sure it is one of the stages of development, I mean it wasnt big and it sure looked like chocolate, and just to convice myself it of course being the mom that i am I had to smell it just to be sure it wasn't really chocolate. NOPE it sure wasn't it was a tiny bit of smeared poopy. Oh geez!! I hope she didn't really think it was chocolate, but she is definitely a crack up!!

I am such a loser

2007-11-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

Things have been so crazy, right this instant I am trying to finish a final paper on nuclear energy, this I have no clue about really!! My class is done this week and I am going to write soon. Not to mention I really have not had anything too spectacular happen in the last few weeks just trying to breath!

Updates and such!!

2007-10-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

Well to start off thank you to all for your well wishes to "Poppy". This week the rushed him into surgery and decided to remove his hip joint and stuff that area with antibiotics, in an attempt to fight the infection in his hip. He is doing better at least his pain is getting better. He is just not ready to give up yet, and I don't blame him he has a lot to live for and he is the first to say that!! Someone at the hospital the other day said that they think he must have something else to teach, or another lesson to learn. He is a fighter!!

My kids are great I will include some pics from this weeks trip up to the pumpkin patch!! We had a blast, it is funny we planned this little afterwork jaunt up there to BFE Syracuse expecting to hop on a hayride and pick a pumpkin we had no idea it would include such fun things, this place rocked. They had hay slides, corn mazes, milk barrel rides for kids and adults. THe best thing Heids and I decided to hop on the teeter totter, oh my hell it is soooooo much fun to be a kid once in a while!! It was nice to spend time with family and friends!

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I also went to a haunted house this week which is probably one of my most favorite things ever, I always have to find friends to take with me because Ky will not go within a mile of them. She HATES haunted houses, the one time I managed to get her into one she airlifted herself onto my back in several parts and peed her pants literally. Needless to say she does not join me anymore. It was definitely fun though and I love love love Halloween.

We are very very excited this week we have finally gotten our sweet daughter into the number one child neurologist, psychologist in Utah, we have known a lot of people who have tried to go to him to no avail because their insurance will not cover his services and he is very expensive. Well this week we found out our insurance will cover him, what a blessing. Initially he did not have openings until March but after hearing Alyssas story he is going to get us in with his resident immediately. Ky and I really tried to avoid the inevitable of seeing someone more qualified. A has had services for everything since pretty much the week she came home. We have had behavior specialist, eating therapists, evals, tests, more evals, and a lot of speculation and diagnosis. We have been told by 2 different social service organizations that she was beyond their ability. So for the last 6 months K and I backed off, decided we would try our own thing, love her love her lover her and love her some more. NOTHING is working and I won't even go into it all. Those of you that understand behavior disorder, drug addicted children and attachment disorders may understand what I am talking about. Back to the guy who will be evaluating her, we are so excited because not only will he work her behavior, problems, medical, psychological, emotional. But MOST importantly he will help K and i feel like we are parenting her appropriately. I mean I know we have good parenting skills but in this instance there is ALWAYS room for improvement, I was reading a book today that was talking about how as a parent we all want to raise successful children and we do that with the best of intention, we have to learn to adapt to her behavior, balance that in our family, and love with boundaries. So again we feel EXTREMELY blessed that this is all working in all of our favor.

Thanks for listening!!

Our Poppy

2007-10-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

Well things have been a bit crazy this week. I have been dreading writing this post all week in a way because it seems like it is the beginning of finalizing something that I do not want to ever see happen...... It is the inevitable though and the beauty of the circle of life.

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My "Poppy" as my kids call him.... To me he is my Pop, to some he is Oscar, others he is Reed, and at one point in his life he was a Colonel in the Army. Most of all he is one of the most amazing men on earth. He is a fighter, a man who has a strength unlike anyone I have known, a man with a heart as big as Texas, a love as large as this world, and acceptance unlike anyone that I have ever known. A man who has not blinked at the thought of me having a women as my partner, a man who stood proud at my commitment ceremony, loving and cherishing Kyla and my children. This man who cried uncontrollably, with joy when he held Jackson for the first time is one of my greatest heroes.

Poppy, was run over in the Korean War in a vehicle accident. He never received the care he should have and has been debilitated by severe and excruciating back pain for the last 25 years. A pain unlike anything I have ever seen one soul endure. He spends his days in agony, with a mind as clear as glass. Usually as people age it seems their mind goes along with their bodies. Unfortunately, this has not been the case for him. He gains more clarity, about the importance of his family, the love he has for his grandchildren, and the tremendous passion that he has for his newly added great grandchildren. He just got a new one 2 weeks ago and has not been able to see her yet and I know this is driving him crazy.

His true darkness began about 3 1/2 years ago when he was placed in the first "assisted living center" by my grandmother (an amazing woman, I might add)she could not longer physically assist him with his daily needs as they increased. So into the first home he went, no family wants this for their loved ones, in fact I would rather have had him live with me. Gram would not have it though, for those that know her she is strong willed, slightly manipulative, and has an intense need to control EVERY situation she encounters. So he has been in and out of assisted living, nursing homes, and care centers. Each getting worse it seems, he has gone home a few times and Gram has given it a college try providing him care, with the help of some in home nursing services, but it became too much. His most recent stay home about 3 months ago came to an abrupt end with a severe infection in his body, he went from being more mobile to being wheelchair bound. He is a Veteran so he is seen at the VA and I think his generational thinking forces him to believe that the VA is the only hospital on the planet that can provide him care. Everyone seems to believe it is a good place.... I however have not been impressed, every time I have been there I have been treated like shit by the staff, my grandmother was escorted out by a police officer at the request of the secretary (who I like to refer to as the not so lovely secretary of the year) for simply requesting to see her husband in the emergency room more then one time. I was sitting right there, she was not aggressive, certainly not a threat, and is just as far from the woman that would need to be escorted by police off of the premises as "Kathryn Hepburn". Anyways, every single time I walk into that god forsaken hospital I cringe at the thought that this is the way we treat the amazing souls that protect my family and our future generations. I cringe at the thought that my brother is a Marine and I can't stand the thought of him EVER having to get care at such an establishment. It disgusts me and after some research truly is a national problem. Enough about that though!!

Even worse are these god awful care centers where we place our elderly citizens. One of those citizens at this time happens to be my grandfather. The filth and despair present there is unimaginable. The stench that lines the halls is more then most could bare, and there he lays in his bed unable to move without assistance sleeping. Well that was till last week when he was rushed to the hospital for the 3rd time in 2 weeks because of pain he was having in his hip. Well know I think that this lovely care center is what will kill him in the coming months. He started with 2 sores on his rear end, sores that could have been treated and prevented much sooner then they were. Sores that should have been cleaned and cared for 3-4 times a day. They were not, we were led to believe they were but the last couple of weeks have proven otherwise. As those have been healing he was forced to lay in bed, no pressure on his rear which in turn has led to a terrible bed sore on his right side. A bed sore that yes started out as a red sore, and has now progressed to a sore the size of a silver dollar and has reached his bone. At any moment in the last couple of weeks this should have been given more intense attention but instead was ignored. There is really no explanation for it. My family has been completely attentive my grandmother there 8 hours a day. Everyone told us it was being cared for. My uncle a surgeon checked him regularly and believed it may not have been being cared for as much as was being said. Again though my grandmother does not allow us to get too involved.

Well the scene has gone from bad to worse this week. He was rushed to the hospital last Sunday, he was having trouble breathing and not acting normally. He got worse on Monday and that is when I got the dreaded call of "get to the hospital now this is it" Ky and I knew when we called back and my father had escorted my mom to the hospital that this really was it (see, ole dadio doesn't do anything unless it is absolutely necessary, he avoids the drama of it all very well)so we rushed to the hospital at mock 90. Rushed into the intensive care unit, and there he was. He looked like he was ready to go, he was barely breathing, they thought he had a stroke, and they were pounding on his chest trying to wake him. Part of me just kept thinking "oh poppy not yet, it can't be time yet I am not ready for this!!" and part of me kept thinking "oh poppy it is okay let go it is time for you to let go and be free." The docs came in and said the last and most invasive thing they were going to do was administer IV meds into a central line they would place in his heart. They believed it could be another infection in his bed sores.

Well, sure enough they placed the line and administered the antibiotics and not 1 hour later he was 80% better. The first thing he said when he came too was "I am hungry" the rest of the family still there was like uhhhhh.... you were practically dead, now you are hungry. But that is Poppy for you............. So the week has been filled with this rollercoaster of emotion as to what his fate is going to be. My mom called me and I think I am realizing what his fate is...... The infection from the sore that was never treated properly at the care center has gone into the bone. Throughout the development of this sore there have been many interventions none taken because the severity was never discussed. So it is now in the bone, and this will kill him soon (although he did inform the doctors this week thats he "WAS NOT READY TO DIE YET THOUGH"). This is where I start to get a bit heated apparently prior to death and according to my Uncle the doctor this is one of the most painful and grueling deaths imaginable. The pain is unbearable, medications barely will touch the pain at this point. It will seep into his entire body, through his bones and eventually take his life, because it is in his hip there is no ability to amputate. It will take a miracle for something to be done, I mean I believe in miracles, I wish for a miracle even if he died the next week but they cured the infection that would be okay, I want him to be peaceful more then anything.

My grandmother has not told any of us but she is looking into a hospice center we found out through the grapevine of doctors. This will cost her upwards of 15,000 dollars a month. Ky and I, my mother and other family have all offered to hold hospice care in our home and pay a full time nurse to stay here, covered by insurance and costing far less then that. She will not have it. Whatever happened to a family decision anyways. Why does she always have to do it her way, and have total control. It makes me crazy, we all want him to die at "home" our home his home not in a nasty awful horrible care center, that doesn't really "care at all".

God I am so angry about this situation, but I have to live and let live......

Poppy, I love you, thank you for always teaching me incredible songs, all of the counties in Utah in alphabetical order, singing me good ship lollypop weekly, and thank you for always being my rock, for loving me too no end, and for teaching me undeniable strength, drive and motivation. I will admire you for my lifetime... and I promise to always make you proud.

Godspeed My Poppy!

6 Years in the Making

2007-10-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

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So.. I am sure you were all dying to hear how "surprised" I was for my big trip. I was very surprised!! The "surprise" trip to San Fran was truly the BEST surprise I have ever had in my life. I can't think of anywhere or anyone more incredible to have this surprise happen with. I LOVE San Fran and I love Ky. Romantic, wouldn't you say, I guess I can really say somebody loves me!! Ky gave you all the details, for me I am still floating at the idea that she would have spent that much time and energy on lil ole me!! We had an amazing time, it gave us the opportunity to have adult conversation, and remember that we are in LOVE! We have been so busy for the last 3 years it is easy to get caught up!! I am so happy to have her as we have always said "she is my silver lining"

I love you BABY!! Thank you Thank you Thank you and lets do it again SOON, sooner then later!! Thanks to our wonderful friends that took care of the tyrants while we were gone, sure made it good to be able to relax!!

highways, byways, and getaways......

2007-09-30T22:21:00.001-07:00

Well, I am back from my week out of town. It was a blast, I learned a lot at the substance abuse conference. Especially my favorite breakout session called "undercover with the DEA". It was nice, I managed to obscond to Mesquite on Tuesday and Wednesday nights while I was away, and play a little slot machine action. Not so good was the money that went down tube.. Ky says well it was hours of entertainment so no big deal. Whew, she always makes me feel better when I see money flying out the window. Plus, it was only the penny slots (which what a crock of crap it is WAY more then that when you bet 20 lines for 2 cents a line or whatever the hell).

My cute family joined me on Thursday night around 7 pm. It was SO good to see all of them. We have never stayed a night at a hotel as a family ALONE. We have always been with friends or family in our out of town travels (not that its a bad thing). So we LOVED it we had such a great time doing nothing. Thursday we went to an awesome dinner with some of my coworkers and for the record I hate cheesecake but ate the BEST cheesecake of my life that night. Infact I want some more right now. We did a whole lot of nothing on Friday, swam in the pool, chatted, and spent some 'quality" time together. We had previously decided to come home on Saturday because that would still give us a bit of a weekend. It was a real bummer because So. Ut Pride was on Saturday and originally we thought we would stop in. However, WINTER hit that day and we thought it best to get home as soon as possible. So we drove through a blizzard for a good 2oo miles, it was so strange I wanted to be in total denial that it was actually close enough to winter for SNOW. Ky goes "is that snow, sure is it is sticking" It took me a triple take to believe it. That is until I had the white knuckles on the steering wheel, pretty much all of the way to SLC.

We had fun last night we pulled out the new Karioke Machine Ky got me for our Anniversary and had a couple glasses of wine (ky had shots). This morning I finished up some school stuff. I am finishing my first class as of tomorrow at 10pm (how nice it goes so fast you don't even have time to hate it). Then we went and took some family pictures at Memory Grove, fun but not that fun with 2 toddlers who are done after the first 5 minutes. Infact we are going to have to get dressed again to go and get a few more of the whole family. We got cute ones of the kids but no family pic, and for those of you that know us well you know that we don't even have a family picture in the house. Why? well when we had the lovely state in for the visits monthly we thought it easier to just hide our whole family away and in that did not EVER take a picture till now. So I am VERY excited but my excitement will have to wait a few more weeks to get a few more done.

Then we went to the circus, my Ky got us 3rd row seats. After my panic of trampling elephants (LUCKILY OUR SEATS WERE ON THE END) I couldn't believe how good the seats were. We went with the Proud Prowsers and it was so much fun. Thanks girls we have missed you and it was so good to see you!! I am so niave though, we are walking into the circus and this "sweet" young man walks up handing out literature, I thought he was really giving me a "program" thinking to myself, those programs are so expensive, I scored by getting one on the way in. I looked at it for a minute and Ky was like oh they are soliciting, and picketing for the (P))E&&T##A) Organization. Not that i have a side either way, but when am I going to not be so niave to think that pretty much everyone is out for a cause, and now a days there is not going to be some nice person handing out a free program. Nope the programs were 15.00 at the door. Oh hell I might as well rant a bit more, to rid my guilt. So you know they sell so much damn propoganda at the circus and other events that Ky and I decided a few years ago that we would NEVER buy the kids any of that stuff at those events so that it never becomes a habit. Good damn thing Ky had a momentary lapse and wanted a snow cone I asked the guy for fun how much 15.00 oh and they had a 23.00 and 30.00 cup for a snow cone also. Come again, $15.00 for a snow cone in a cheap plastic cup. HOLY HELL!! We quickly changed that thought process and did NOT have a snow cone. Who pays that, well apparently everyone because the guy would come back and forth with the empty tray... To top that all off the cotton candy cost the same $15.00 for swirled up sugar, you must be kidding. Anyways, I remember as kids my Grandpa would buy us whatever we wanted at those things, we would probably take it all home and throw it away in a week, cuz it broke or whatever...... Now, it was probably MUCH cheaper back then and that is neither here nor there... the bottom line is if people would stop buying that crap it would not be so ridiculous.. Then when our kids looked at us longingly we could justify spending a bit to get them something. I mean REALLY it is not about the money for me (I am the one who blew money on NOTHING in Mesquite). It is about the principal, is it not enought to pay 35.00 a ticket, 35>00 for popcorn, hotdog, drinks, and some nachos. Oh and 5.00 TO PARK. Thank Heavens Sum and Mer feel the same way and Cam did not end up with any of those things either because lord knows that would have made things a bit harder, at least made it harder for me to stick to my "decision".

What an awesome weekend... I am on the countdown for my "anniversary getaway", Ky has now informed me that we are going to be flying." She has such a hard time with secrets, a couple of times she says, "do you want me to just tell you" I am bad with secrets too... but I have said no don't tell me I really want to be surprised. I CAN"T WAIT, I would like to think it was a romantic cruise, but the logical side of me says that 2 days is not enough for that.... So for now I will wait to see.

Have a great week, and keep an eye out for some more updated pictures that are downloading as we speak!

This and That

2007-09-20T22:59:00.001-07:00

Sheer craziness, I don't know how else to explain it. Things have been wonderful, even better if I could just find another 2 hours in the day, and then have my alarm clock disappear. I guess, my little subconscious decided this morning that it did disappear because 2 alarms and I didn't even hear them. Funny, when you wake up at 7 am when you should have been up at least an hour ago and even that excludes my good morning workout. I guess my self is exhausted, no time for that. This week was kind of a fun week, Ky and I had our Anniversary. I know that she has a little surprise planned for me in a couple of weeks. So... I initially got a phone call on Tuesday afternoon, do you want to go out to dinner tonight, with the kids for our anniversary. First thought sure, but how funny when we both got home and in the door from work it sounded like way more fun to just stay home. So, my darling wife made me 4 cheese lasagna hamburger helper. I have been laughing about it all week, it seemed like the easiest thing in the cupboard and nothing sounded like more fun then being with my family. I know she would have made something fancy and elaborate and it would have tasted wonderful I am sure. No thanks, time was much better.

It is interesting this is our second anniversary of the year our first is the one that we celebrate in July (6 years), well we don't really celebrate it a kiss and a hug and a thanks I am happy we met gushy speech :). September 18th (3 years) is really the best one, we had our commitment ceremony up Millcreek Canyon at this huge group campsite, it was the most amazing day of both of our lives (well except for having and getting our kids). I pulled out our wedding DVD, at which of course I had to cry because it was such a beautiful experience (one of which I hope to never have to do over because it was a hell of a lot of work too)! Anyways, Babe I Love You, Forever and Always!!

School....... seems to be going well, I have moments of severe intellectual deportation from my cerebral cortex, but hey I am sure that's normal and I am even more sure that is an actual diagnosis for feeling idiotic. Tonight, perfect example I had my first team paper, well I can write and I can usually write a paper, I could absolutely not wrap my head around writing a team paper in which I only had to write one portion, one portion without seeing what everyone else wrote. So after about 6 tries 4 of which I seemed to head towards writing the whole darn thing, I think I finally got it. Simple one page paper on "Ethics of College Admission Policies in relationship to Socio Economic Status" My part "the virtuous cycle" created by socio economic status. I feel like that commercial right now "THIS IS YOUR BRAIN, (sizzle sizzle, sizzle) THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS" The worst damn part no drugs in this arena, just freakin school.

My kids..... Good God I think I might be thinking we might be thinking we might be wondering if we might want to start trying to see if we might want another one and now I am trying to decide how that would ever fit in the mix.(whew that's funny I crack myself up, slap happy I think) I don't want the kids to all be too far apart, they say when you start pushing 4-5 years you might as well consider them "only children" "or a second family" WTF I don't want that I have this cute family ties type, sibling love type, cosby show type, family type view in my head where my kids are all best friends they protect and love each other..... Oh brother, well ain't no spermy swimming my way this month so guess we will see whats next..... To baby or not to baby that is the question, MOM (if you are reading this), don't answer this question, I know you would sink the moon if you could have another, PATIENCE sweet mama PATIENCE.

P.S I just re read this blog and its a bit sporadic, I know forgive me!!

Nurse maid elbow

2007-09-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

So, one of Jacks loving uncles was swinging him by the arms the other night at the fair. On Saturday morning Jack would not use his left arm at all. I thought maybe he just had a sprain or something so we gave him Tylenol and kept going through the day, we kept thinking he was guarding it and we iced it. He would say "mommy my arm hurts" and at the Ute Football game he would not even put to much pressure on it. He did not cry a lot about it and I figured if it was broken or something he would be crying a lot more. My dad did a "Papa" check on it and thought that we should give it one more night and see if it rested enough he would be better in the morning. NOPE, this morning he was still in obvious pain and complaining about it. Ky leaves town today for another week and I was worried about her not being here if it was something more serious. So I decided that I would take him to the urgent care clinic at least to have it x rayed. He was so good laying under that big machine, it obviously hurt to have them turn it all over the place but he was a little champ (I thought to myself, well this is not going to be the last time you are sitting in this position you have a little boy so you better get used to it). They took us back to the room and Dr. W came in and says so... "what can I do for you, his bones look great?' Immediately I felt relief wash over me, but what was wrong then, the poor kid can not even get food to my mouth. The doc says "well I think it is nurse maids elbow, let me look" He grabs his arm and starts twisting, my mother who was with me hits the doctor and says "stop it you are hurting him." Jack of course was screaming. The doc "well I didn't get anything that time let me try just once more." I was cringing I knew it hurt Jack, the kid can lay himself out on asphalt and stand up and brush his hands off and keep going. The doc grabs his arm once more and twists and sure enough "POP" the doc says "Oh, I got it!" I could tell it felt immediately better. So the doc told us to hang out for ten minutes force Jack to use it so we could make sure there was a difference. So we went to the lobby and what makes a kid move better then anything but candy. Sure enough the boy was back to normal and announces to the doctors office "my arm feel better.' The doc checked him over one last time, Jack thanked everyone walking out of the office and it was so nice to have him back to normal. The doc spoke to us about why this happens and I looked it up and am posting it below so you can all see, he says it can simply happen from a child holding hands with Mom in a hurry, but mostly from picking them up and swinging them by their arms. We know this and have told this loving uncle NO MORE many times but guess you can't resist horseplay with boys.

Nursemaid Elbow Overview
Nursemaid elbow is a common injury among preschool-aged children. It refers to a condition (medically called a radial head subluxation) in which a child's elbow bones get partially pulled out of joint and do not line up normally. The injury can occur innocently from swinging a young child by the arms or pulling a child's arm while in a hurry.
A temporary condition without permanent effects, it can be quite frightening to parents who find their child lacking the ability to use his or her upper arm.
Specifically, a portion of soft tissue, whose function is to hold bones together, is pulled between 2 areas of the bones that make up the elbow joint. The involved bony areas are the radial neck and head of the radius bone in the forearm and the capitellum portion of the humerus, or upper arm bone. Movement of the elbow in this condition results in pain and keeps the child from using the upper arm.
Typically, this type of injury occurs in children aged 1-4 years but has occurred in infants aged 6-12 months as well. As children grow, their bones become larger and more defined. So this injury is rarely seen in children older than 6 years.

Nursemaid Elbow Causes
Nursemaid elbow occurs after a sudden pulling force is applied to the extended upper arm of the child while the arm is slightly twisted. The force may not seem strong, and you may not even realize it has happened.
Some examples of typical situations that can produce the mechanism of force required to cause this injury are these:
In lifting the child by the hand
Swinging the child while holding the child by the hands
Pulling arms through the sleeves of jackets
Catching a child by the hand to prevent a fall
Pulling a child along when in a hurry
The young child is prone to this type of injury largely because of the anatomical features of their bones and ligaments. Understanding the mechanism of this injury is helpful in explaining the cause.
The end of the radius bone that connects to the elbow joint is known as the radial head. This will eventually become shaped like the end of a dowel rod. In the young child, however, it does not yet have a well-defined lip at its end. As such, the radial neck and radial head portions of the radius are similar in size in the toddler.
The annular ligament holds the radius alongside the ulna, which is the other bone in the forearm, and allows for the radius to twist. At this point in childhood development, it is still relatively loosely attached to the bone and can experience a small tear in some of its fibers.
The combination of these 2 things allows the loose portions of the ligament to slide over the radial head as a pulling force is applied to the elbow when the forearm is slightly twisted inward (pronation). When this happens, this tissue can become trapped between the 2 bones, resulting in the subluxation of the radial head, or nursemaid elbow.

End of Summer Fun

2007-09-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it, I can't believe that summer is coming to an end. It is time to put all of the fun away. Ky and I were driving home today and started planning out the winter, and I have to say. We are going to need some fun in there somewhere. This winter..... The house, painting and new carpet. That should be fun.

Anyways, our summer fun is not really ending but it is clear we are transitioning into fall because the fair is coming, and in the mountains this weekend the leaves on the ridges were starting to change. I am not going to lie, I LOVE fall, when I lived back East fall was the most AMAZING season of all. The trees and season change was absolutely breath taking, and the thing I miss the most from Maine, we could do so much in the fall my favorite... Apple picking, we would get out all of our first of the season fall clothes and head out to the orchards for this yearly event, this was usually followed by some apple pie, a fair or two and some awesome beach campfires. Utah.. isn't half bad though, it is quite amazing here also so I am certainly not complaining!

So as our farewell to summer we spent the weekend camping at East Canyon... Although this was the "trip originally planned for the grandparents" upon there canceling, we ended up inviting some friends up to join us. It was a blast, we spent some time at the Lake in the BIGGIE (which sadly had gained a few holes from the ride up, and I spent most of the time the first day holding the holes with my fingers, Mitchy and I went on a mad dash down the canyon to find patches for the next day, and succeeded in that project). We saw wildlife had a near "spray" experience on several occasions from the skunks that visited us nightly, played games, and let the kids run wild. There is nothing better then having your family, in the mountains, next to water, with no real expectations. Thanks to those who joined us and made it an incredible experience and to anyone who didn't we are thinking that we should start planning for next year sooner then later so that we can get a great spot, in an incredible area, and be joined by incredible people!!

I am sure Ky will give the full update and picture report so stay tuned!!

Bro Update

2007-08-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

I am very happy to report that things have been awesome with my bro and our visit! I may have prejudged and over reacted a bit. We enjoyed dinner with the family last night, a nice family brunch today and then Ky and I and the kids decided to go to Lagoon today with some friends so we kidnapped him and took him with us. It was such a pleasure to spend the day with him. HE is an amazing uncle to the kids, he gets very few chances to be with my babies and every moment we get to have him around is AWESOME. He is definitely a natural with the kids and it is special to watch them!! Ahhh sappy. Anyways, we will be sharing more about the weekend soon!!

My Bro

2007-08-23T22:47:00.001-07:00

(My bro and Jack on the left taken just over a year ago)

Disclaimer: Love my mom but GEEEEEZ lady are you for real, for real!

So, I got word today that my bro is coming home for a ten day visit. My brother is a Cobra Helicopter Pilot for the United States Marine Corps. He has been away for several years ( I have seen him on the occasional holiday etc) going through intensive training and flight schools. Apparently this will be our last visit before he is deployed (which makes me extremely nauseous and anxiety ridden on MANY levels, I hate the war, I hate our FUCKING President, but I love my Bro and I am so very proud of his accomplishments, so this inturn keeps me stuck) This visit will be interesting, well it is always interesting. My mother still has this weird infatuation with my brother and since he left any time he comes home my mother is convinced "this is the last time he will be home for a very long time, you have no idea what war or whatever will bring, drop everything." she monopolizes the majority of his time spent home with weird schedules and plans (in the first day he is here she has planned a brunch and dinner for him, which he doesn't even know about and would fall over and die if he did.) Besides that the thing that bugs me is that he is 26 years old and doesn't tell her no EVER. We have to practically go through Fort Knox to make plans with him or work around the weird plans she has thrown in the mix for him. Take for example that he is coming home to visit for ten days and my mom is absconding with him to Jackson Hole for 5 of the days. Sure we were invited (tentatively depending on him last minute), but who goes to Jackson Hole for 5 days over Labor Day weekend without having made reservations a year in advance. My mom however to accomplish this goal will pay thousands of dollars to ensure it happens..... Oh bug, I am not complaining but freak what happened to the time when siblings visit, the more I think of it I realize that my brother and I have struggled for so long to be close because we have never had the time to build our relationship without other things (ie my mom) getting in the way. I feel sad at times for my mother because I think this is her way of holding on to some weird fascination she has, of refusing to let go of her child but for CHRIST sakes I lived out of state for years granted I was not going to war, but whatever I never came home to HUGE cheers and infatuation. I came home to visit. Ky and I decided tonight that maybe we will try moving out of state, see if we can get some grand schemes when we come home. This is just my random rant for the day because I can't believe how irritating it is that I can't even call my own sibling and make plans with him because it might interfere with something my mom has planned for him. I can call but it is always like he practically has to say.... Well I might like to do that, (like go to Lagoon this weekend...)"If mom will let me."

Academiaphobia

2007-08-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

So...... the time has come, K is just getting ready to graduate school and it is now my turn to start AGAIN! I am freakin out or a more likely term having academiaphobia. I have been working in the field of "social services and substance abuse" for over 12 year now SHIT!! I have been working towards my degree for about ten of that. OBVIOUSLY I have taken some very large breaks, to you know be an irresponsible 20 year old, buy houses, have kids, adopt kids, and then as a family we decided it would not benefit our family if K and I both did school at the same time.

I have gotten comfortable, if you could have a degree for experience I would have it three times over, and the experience I have has continuously offered amazing career opportunities for me... Not enough career opportunities though, it really is all about that piece of paper and for me it is going to have to include a Masters Degree. I started school when I was 18 and for years worked towards my degree in Criminal Justice until one day I realized that to be punishing and punitive was not going to work for me, in addition to the fact that I had several crime scene investigation classes and criminology that took me to the crime labs where the decision was made that there was NO way in hell I could look at the morbid things I saw there every day. The thing that really set me off was the lower arm preserved in a jar of formaldehyde saved to compare fingerprints etc. at a crime scene, I still have not gotten over those Heebie Jeebies. So my major quickly changed (which ALWAYS adds time in school and since I have been working full time I have only gone to school part time, mostly because my social life is also important to me. Anyways I digress.

I will be starting school on August 28 to finish my Bachelors in Human Services and Management at the University of Phoenix. God it is soooo expensive but it will shorten the time that I have left to get my degree by about 9 years total if I include my Masters Degree in Professional Counseling and I justify it by the fact that in that 9 years I will miss a lot more time with my kids, and the $$ I will make after my Masters will far outweigh the cost.

It is a bit intimidating though, K is so amazing in school she has done online, she is almost a straight A student and she has done all of this with 2 wild kids. I admire her sticktuitiveness and only hope that my commitment can be half of what she has shown. The only thing I have going for me is that she is my wife and she is so supportive. I already give 110% to being a mother, wife, friend. I am hopeful that school will easily fall into my line of priorities!! I will just keep a positive attitude and remember that the years will pass regardless of if I am in school or not so I might as well keep my chin up!

I can't help but have those first day of school jitters it feels like elementary school. I will be going to school one night a week on Tuesdays from 6-10 pm and then have a study group at least one night a week. What if I forgot how to be smart? What if I forgot how to be interactive and social in a school setting? I doubt I did and I am sure it will all come together. I feel like I should get to go "back to school shopping (hey maybe I can use that angle on K :)).

Addendum: Now, I know some of you reading this (Twins and 2 Moms) have done full time school and raised kids and survived so I will follow your example and bust a move!!

I love this stuff!

2007-08-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

What a weekend!!

2007-08-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

We had such fun this weekend.... The big gay campout!! You know it was our first time joining the group for this annual campout and we had a good time. It is always interesting though and a bit out of the ordinary for me to begin joining other groups. I have been a bit "stagnant" for a long time, I have been comfortable for a lot of years, we have had the "same" group of friends forever and this spring and summer we have had the enjoyment of having some very incredible people enter our lives... I had to realize something about myself this weekend, I easily get a bit uncomfortable, I feel out of sorts, I worry about what people think, and it bugs me!! My friends that have been around forever just know me, they know my quirks, and they love me for who I am. But.... I spent the weekend with a bunch of new people, with different qualities and quite a variety of personalities and I can't believe how much I found myself worrying if everyone was okay. It was great though there is no time like the present to come out of your comfort zone and have to do things a bit different. We really enjoyed getting to know people better and meeting new people.

The BGCO(big gay campout) held down in Dinosaur Land National Park was successful it seems. Minus a few "loud and slightly drunk" mishaps it was awesome. I was a bit concerned as we drove to Vernal, I had no idea what to expect I mean for me camping has always been in the mountains and dumb me thought Vernal would be mountainous since we were driving through Heber. I had NO idea we were going to end up in the desert. It was beautiful as we came in near the Green River.... I decided I MUST get out more! There was river rafting, fishing, swimming in the river, and some REBEL ROUSING!! K has all the pics I will let her post. For those of you who were there YOU ROCK and for those of you that weren't THERE IS NEXT YEAR!!

Meme questions answered!!

2007-07-31T23:17:00.000-07:00

Okay I will take the HONOR of being last!! Here goes!

1. I am secretly a cowgirl, I have the hats, the boots, and I LOVE country music. I have raised horses(in fact I even drove my little baby paint horse in the backseat of my Toyota Tercel from Oakley to Heber to the vet because she was too little to go in the trailer, she was like my dog for a long time, her mother died at birth so I spent every night with her in the barn sleeping), I have barrel raced, dream of being in the rodeo pretty much daily, have a burning desire to live on several acres and have every farm animal imaginable. When I lived in Oakley I had goats, horses, and a pot bellied pig named Harley that lived in my house and slept in my closet, 4 dogs and at least 7 cats on a good day. My how times have changed but this is still where I will end up some day!! MARK MY WORDS!

2. I have lived in two other states besides Utah, I lived on a dude ranch for a summer in Grand Teton Wyoming after moving out of my parents home at the age of 16. I also traveled across the country to live in Portland Maine when I was 20. I went with a "girlfriend" who informed me in approximately Nebraska that she had cheated on me at least 16 times. I just kept driving. This experience was life altering, I learned and grew so much after I "left that girlfriend". This is truly where I came into my own, on my own, it really can be life altering when you spend some MAJOR time alone.

3. I saw K 4 days before I met her on a night out in Salt Lake while I was visiting. I knew that i had to know her. I walked the block for her that night, I was by damned going to talk to her, I never found her. 4 days later she walked into a going away party that was being held for me at the "Paper(lame) Moon" (6 years ago today folks, Happy pre Anniversary, Anniversary, we now celebrate our commitment ceremony date as our anniversary.) It was so overwhelming, I got on a plane the next day and wrote a letter to her. Mind you I had talked to her for about an hour in a large group of people, there was just "something about her"------ Probably, the wet t shirt (no not really but damn she had me whooped) (the wet t shirt was a pre Becky thing)

4. I have extremely bad luck with wildlife, I have hit over 10 deer in my lifetime in my car, I have been chased by a moose (no one ever bothered to tell me they jump fences), petted a moose in the dark thinking it was a horse, had chipmunks mating on my chest in the middle of the night, been approached while on a phone by a porcupine (and I thought it was a dog, till I didn't think it was a dog and then I freaked).

5. I too was adopted and found my Birth mother Debbie in Michigan when I was 16 and spent the summer with her that year. Another life changing experience she and I are very similar but VERY different and we have not had the "best relationship". It was the one thing I needed in life to complete my puzzle. I just needed to understand me a bit better, however she is a major alcoholic and uses many prescription drugs. The best is when I told her I was gay--her response--"I knew I should have had an abortion". Oh some peoples mothers--To this day this experience has made me say thank you to my adoptive parents every single day and I have never looked back since!

6. I am a horrible passenger seat driver, K hates it I have a very hard time and I go into this weird little panic thing if I see brake lights in front of me. Sometimes I think Ky might divorce me over it. I am working on it though, if you want I can demonstrate sometime.

7. I have no cartilage in the end of my nose so you can push it to squish right up against my face. The strangest thing is ---Jack doesn't have any either. Cute he must have got that from me, its my sperm I just know it.

8. Recently, I have started meditating while driving to the "Secret" meditation tape. My favorite is when it tells you that "it is not necessary to stay awake for this meditation" I laugh I stay awake but want to take it all in subconsciously and when I go to sleep I go WAY to sleep. Ky thinks I am too weird! P.S I just read this to Kyla and she informed me that I can't meditate while driving but I will tell you right now I have it down to a science!

Incarceration on a daily basis

2007-07-20T23:27:00.000-07:00

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take - but by the moments that take our breath away."

So many of you probably don't know this but I spend 5 days a week incarcerated. That drinking and driving and crack smoking has finally caught up with me. No.... not really I actually work in the local jail as a Substance Abuse Treatment Provider. I work in a unit of 64 men or 32 women on a daily basis. I work directly in their housing units, that's right most the time they pee and shower right there in front of me. I think I have the greatest job ever, my friends mostly think I am nuts. I have worked in this field for over 11 years left for about 1.5 years to try something new and couldn't stay away. A definite chain of events today has led me to write this blog. First, I work with a coworker who is intensely cynical and burned out, I had a new intern start today, and I received a call from 2 different people whom had been in my program over 4 years ago and recently one of my "inmates" died....... I couldn't help but think all day today just how lucky and grateful I am to have the gift of work that I do everyday. Not often do we get to "give it away" hope is what I am talking about..... Not often do we get blessed with the job of simply instilling hope in individuals who have lost it. Hope is an amazing thing I watch it fall into souls everyday and as quickly as they find it, it can be lost. Currently, I work with men who have committed crimes as simple as Driving on a suspended license to career criminals and everything in between. They don't all get out of the program and become successful individuals, and that is not what it is about for me.... What life is really about is potential, to see someone who has felt like they could never succeed, endure and entire paradigm shift and have the opportunity to be successful is amazing. To watch self esteem and hope walk up and tap "grown men" on the shoulder is a gift. I mostly wanted to put it out there today that I am so grateful!!

I 2 different phone calls today from two different women that I have worked with in the past 4 years. They both lived a life of severe drug addiction and crime and were able to gain the tools necessary to be successful.... There is nothing like that call the "Hi Becky, this is so and so and I just needed to tell you THANK YOU, I am a new mom, or I am a grandma" I will keep in touch!! That's worth it..... So my coworker is as mentioned earlier the most cynical person I have met I am sure it is based on burnout.. Sad I hate that!!! If I am ever at that point with my job "SOMEBODY MAKE ME STOP"

Well this has been a bit gushy, I don't know I had to say it.... Some aren't so lucky to love their job. I guess if I have to leave my kids everyday for 8 hours it is a good thing I have something that I feel this grateful for!!

What the hell??

2007-06-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

Mingle² - Online Dating

R my blog was rated R for saying Gay (4X) Death (4X) and Hell (1X). I don't get it, but I am definitely R rated and proud of it. Shit at this rate I am probably XXX rated if thats what it is based on!

I am woman see me catch toss and dodge snakes then hear me scream oh and then roar!

2007-06-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

I only wish that i would have taken pictures but here is the story!!

So it is neighborhood cleanup in our area, a couple of my friends came over on Monday to help me get some things pulled together in the yard. I was drowning in our yard. Let me just preface this with, when we bought this house it was the middle of winter and we had NO idea what was waiting for us under the snow. To our surprise we have the most amazing yard, well I am sure it is amazing if you have approximately 10 hours a day to spend in it, weeding, shaping and trimming. Me and my family we are lucky to have an hour a week to spend and now with K down for the count I was freakin. Anyways, back to the story!!
So on Monday we began cleaning the yard and Mitchy got this bright idea that we were going to not only begin whipping the yard into shape but clean and refill my pond in the front yard. Okay seriously it wasn't really a pond anymore, it was more like a mossy pit with one large goldfish in it. I talk about it and giggle, last year we had 5 goldfish in it and that is when we realized we had the topic of this discussion SNAKES. The snakes were pulling the fish out of the pond and then not able to digest them so I would weed and find my sweet little fish carcases. So, when we cleaned (I don't mean cleaned we drained and wet dry vacuumed the sucker out) we lost some of the little feeder pond fish that had miraculously appeared in there after putting a lily in (this is going to come in another post titled "fish through immaculate conception". ) Today when I came home I looked into my crystal clear pond and noticed this snake at the bottom snapping at the fish every chance he got, he almost got him several times ( my philosophy is that now he could see it). I decided to put in a call for help, I called Mitch and organized a search and rescue task force to get the freakin snakes out. This is where it gets good, so we successfully determine there are 2 snakes that we have to get OUT. We gather supplies to include but not limited to a fish net, bucket, gloves, shovel, pole, and stick. I have no idea exactly how these will come into play but when you are snake hunting you never know.

Let me set the scene: Mitch on one side me on the opposite side of the pond. May I remind you, Mitch is the most not gay looking gay man on the planet. Mitch is armed with the net and there I stand gloved up and ready to go. I am a slightly girlie lesbian who would like to think she wasn't afraid of much. So we begin with shall we call him snake "A" he sees us and hides for a while and eventually he creeps out of the rock I jump for him grab him with the gloved hand and let out my infamous girl scream and lose him. He squirrels himself around and I manage to get my hands on him again, there the scream comes, I think it is my adrenaline releasing so I don't explode at least that's how Mitch explains it. Finally after the third try I get him in my hands and have a grasp that is pretty good on him. But no I don't hold him and I never have I proceed to launch him across the yard like a frisbee (please know it is not animal cruelty) it is a uncontrolled reaction to holding the creepy thing. So Mitch and I dance around like two crazy people and finally he manages to get him in the net, get him in the bag and deliver him to his nice new home in a field about 5 miles away (hopefully he isn't like a cat and has that eerie sense of finding his way home). So then we have Snake "B" after several unsuccessful sightings Mitch decides that he thinks he can convince him to go directly into the net in the water. Surprisingly on about the 3rd try the little bugger swims half way in and an overzealous not so gay looking gay Mitch decides to whip the net out of the water, but instead of the snake going as planned into the net he flings it across the pond directly at me. I try with my all to catch it but as some of you may know I try to be athletic to no avail. so I miss we do alot of dancing and diving and squirming around and finally finally catch him and release him with Snake "A". So the snakes are safe, the fishy is safe and I survived too. Still I think in any other scene you would have seen the guy grabbing the snake, a lot less screaming and dancing, and I would have been giving him 5 when he was done. Instead it was the other way around I am woman hear me scream, catch, toss and dodge snakes and then hear me roar!!!

The story for the week (not for the weak stomach)

2007-06-24T22:10:00.001-07:00

Friday night started off like most Fridays. I rushed home from work, threw the kids things together, ate dinner, let the dogs out, and showed up as usual 15 minutes late for the Arts Festival. K has been doing so well with the surgery, infact astounishingly well, I have been so proud of her and now I am feeling extremly grateful!! We spent sometime at the Festival with some amazing friends. K looked at me nearing the end of the evening and looked tired really tired, she said "honey I am done, I need to go". We packed up the kids and made it home. I thought she is probably dehydrated. She sat down and had 3 small sips of Crystal Light diluted with water. She immediatly began dry heaving and throwing up (not a lot in there to do that too). K went to bed immediatly thinking she was extremly overly exhausted. I checked on her several times over the next few hours and she seemed to be sleeping peacfully. I went to bed around 12:30 am things still seemed okay. ( This is where will insert the part of the story where J had wanted to lay down with her and fell fast asleep, the funny part, he had put on his sisters froofy yellow halter top shirt and refused to take it off, but I didn't want to wake him and figured he can just sleep with us tonight, its the weekend).

1:30 am is when the night change dramatically, I awoke to a bit of a ruckus in the room and Ky falling accross the bed in a panic screaming for help "Help me, I am fainting" I came out of bed like a flash of light turned all of the lights on. She was shaking a lot and hunched over the bed but almost unconcious, I kept saying are you okay, she would say "NO". I immediatly called Mitch who lives just up the road, I think he barely heard what I was saying but knew from the sound of my voice that he needed to be here immediatly. At this point I had gotten her onto the floor by the bed, I was shaking her, smacking her, yelling at her, begging her to talk to me. She became more and more unresponsive, more and more white, and more and more cold. I called 911.

The 911 operator was the best women I have ever spoken too. I can't imagine doing a job where everyone you speak with is completly panicked. "I need help, I have someone here who had Gastric Bypass 2 weeks ago and something is going terribly wrong" I look up at this point and there sits my little boy staring at me, yelling at his mother, yelling in the phone, shaking her and I was crying and VERY panicky" He keeps pointing and saying "Mommy down" I look at him and say "You sit there, please baby sit there" he sits and watches (this is still a bit haunting to me but it is what it is). I am taking directions from the operator put her hand here roll her here elevate her legs and it feels like an eternity, I always wondered if it could feel as long as people say it takes" I am running back and forth unlocking the doors, letting out the dogs. Thankfully at some point in these moments I hear my front door open. It was like a bit of warmth walked through the door at that point. Mitch had not been alone, he had 3 of my other friends over who all showed up like Knights in shining armor. I start handing out tasks to each of them so that i can give a history to the 911 person. Brett takes J out thank god, Jason goes out for the Ambulance and Mitch begins working on Ky, talking squeezing her hands. It was amazing, in the meantime I am begging the operator to get someone there, her breathing is becoming much different she is non responsive, completely, and I begin demanding an ETA, I don't hear sirens, not in the distance not anywhere, and proceed to ask if they were coming from Egypt. I was not nice, but I am sure that is normal and I did manage to apologize several times for being so rude, abrupt and upset.

Finally, they arrive 7 fire fighters, Ky in her underwear and thats right J running around the house in his yellow halter top with bows on it. He looked like Sinead O'Conner. They ask for a history and I gave the rundown. This is my partner of 6 years she had blah blah blah blah. My mouth is so dry from adrenaline at this point it feels like I just at a jar of Peanut Butter. They start working on her checking vitals and she is alive, I have to say I wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen when they got here. They check everything she is healthy as a horse, blood pressure is good, pulse is great. K wakes up "WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?" she is such a fighter she is ready to sit up. They ask "well we got this call, but you seem fine, do you need to go to the hospital?" K says "No I just need to go to bed" they say "okay well you might consider checking with the doctor, or going to the hospital, but it does not seem to be emergent enough to go by ambulance" REALLY, wait as the story progresses!!

They walk out of the house, probably shocked out there mind, a crazy partner calling in 2 lesbians raising there little boy as Sinead O'Conner. I can only imagine!!

After they leave we talk with K who has managed through her own adrenaline to appear slightly more normal. We ALL insist that she goes to the hospital and at this point my mother has flown down the highway after I made my friend call her. My poor mother who is the most amazing women is going to have a heart attack one day from my family emergencies, K and her health and all the other drama! My mother of course knows K very well and will have it no other way. So me, K, my mom and Brett fly to St. Marks hospital. K seems a bit in and out of it (I still don't know if that is because she was not feeling well or Bretts driving). We get a wheel chair and get her into the ER. Thank God there was no one else in the waiting room. They la di da check us in another patient she needs checked out la di da. IT all goes even more down hill from there. K begins dry heaving pretty heavily and starts passing out in the waiting room. I begin demanding she get a bed RIGHT NOW, the lovely nurse "Oh we don't have a bed, sorry" Then my mother "Well if you don't have a bed what do you want me to do lay her down right here" they got the message triaged her "after practically having to draw a picture for the girl explaining that no she has not had much to eat she can only eat 2 ounces at a time--- NO she did not have her Gall Bladder removed, NO she did not have Gall Bladder problems----GB on the top of her paper for her means GASTRIC BYPASS, you know the surgery where they eliminate your stomach to half the size, no lady I am not starving her JESUS!!

She passes out again in the triage and they STILL don't have a room, she says oh she probably needs a room DUH!!!!!!!! So they prepare a room, Brett is literally holding a passed out person in her chair. She gets to the room FINALLY, gets to the bed and again the nurse begins the whole la di da, he says "what has she eaten" I respond "2 ounces of refried beans at 5 o'clock and she sips at least 64 ounces of water throughout the day." He responds "well she should probably be eating more then that" Then the explanation AGAIN no she had Gastric Bypass, she cannot eat more and NO I am not starving her!"

This is where it gets worse............
K has to go to the bathroom, #2 she hasn't gone in a week, I think oh great maybe this is the whole problem. So my mom and I get her in there she goes, it doesn't seem right and this is wherre I will leave it. When she stands up there is ALOT of blood more blood then I have seen in one place ever, ever, ever. She does not make it back to the room she makes it to Brett and they go down together he held her in a bear hug. IT (the blood just kept happening) EVERYWHERE I mean EVERYWHERE!! I was the most panicked I have EVER been,(well K has scared me on many occasions, she is not good when she is not well, she is really NOT well). Immediatly the nursing team jumps into action, The nurse was amazing he was soooo amazing Luis, I hear her look at him and say Luis help me. They have IV's in her my mom goes in the room with her at this point I am worse for the situation then is good. I know when I can't handle it. My mom has GREAT mom training!! They decide after several hours to admit her. My sweet mother says "she is not leaving her side, I need to go home to the kids and she will be there to take care of her, and call with problems" "Even if I had told my mom to go, she wouldn't so this was a better idea, as really at this point a padded room for me would have been well deserved. I have never felt fear in my life like I felt. The doctor wants to monitor her blood loss over night and see if whatever is bleeding stops. Okay, I know they are doctors but after 2 of those episodes I am sure she has lost more blood then is humanly acceptable. I go home, I can't say I slept much a couple of hours. I was up at seven with a call from my mother, the bleeding was not ceasing and with the bleeding the uncounciousness got worse. She said that even the seven nurses that were in and out of the room were freaking out! I begin making calls, getting my kids cared for throughout the day. I have amazing FRIENDS, FAMILY and SUPPORT! Thank you ALL!! It is nearing 9 now all the troops are in order, and the call that I didn't want comes in. It has happened again, she is losing so much blood they MUST move her to the ICU. This is where my panic becomes reality, I need to have all of my Lawyers paperwork that we had done years ago that Lesbians have to have to be proven a couple, I have to prove to them that I can make medical decisions, visit her, have her kids if something tragic happens. I at this point begin thinking the worse, the sound of my moms calm but panicked voice trying so hard not to freak me out told me this> She was freaked, K was real freaked and I was REALLY FREAKED. I always knew I had a lot to lose but it all hit me at that moment, not because I thought I was going too (I won't say that this didn't cross my mind after what I had seen and heard from her). All of the lawyer paperwork was at her work in her filing cabinet (DUMB PLACE WHEN YOU NEED IT) (LOGICAL PLACE IF YOU ARE ANAL AND ORGANIZED, THATS MY K). I have a friend at work in 10 minutes doing a search and rescue on the Lawyer stuff. I decide it is a REALLY good time to take a ZANAX as my panic attack is not going to help anything. I get to the hospital meet with the Chaplain to hand over paperwork from the lawyer ( I must say this was not a skit I had practiced too many times in my life, not at this age, or this time and hopefully not ever again)

Anyways when I get to the hospital she has been rushed into Endoscopy, I guess after the doctor happened to be in on the last bleeding episode he realized this was in fact more urgent then he could imagine. He reports that he has found a tear and is working to repair it. They check the rest of her out. I don't know how a tear leaks that much but My God, they fixed it. She gets out of the lab, and begins blood transfusions she lost 1/3 of the blood in her body!! She looked the worst I have ever seen her!!

I can only visit her for a half hour every other hour, my friends kept me busy in the other moments. She is not only getting blood transfusions but also Plasma. On my third visit in to see her her nurse says oh dear she had a terrible allergic reaction to the antibodies in the plasma and she is all swelled up. OH MY GOD I walked in the room and she looks over and she cant even open her eyes, can it get any worse (the answer is yes) the thought is no! We BARELY get the ring (the one she blogged about finally being able to wear) off her finger before it became a part of her hand her lips were so swollen they would reach Texas and she has a rash on her body like a road map with cities, states, and counties! She has had 2 doses of Benadryl and is now so anxious and agitated she looks like a drug addict coming off a big high. It was so awful for her.

K is doing better today, I have seen her 3 times and each time she looks more and more alive. She is ready to come home, just like that huh, you cheat death, get a bit of blood and there you go alive and kicking again!! She came back out of the ICU this afternoon. She had a visit from friends and me and the kids. Her spirits are good, really good, again I tell you she is an outstanding person.

As for me, I spent the day feeling incredibly blessed, blessed that the love of my life is okay, that she is such a fighter, blessed that I have 2 of the most amazing children in the world, blessed that I have the most incredible, and amazing mother in the world, and blessed that I have a support system and friendships that some are not as lucky to have, from the friends that I have had for over ten years L, J, B, M, J, K, H, P,and C (you know who you are). You have guided me through this world a very long time and to a particular two couples S and M and K and J who have not been in our lives for long but feel like they have been around for years. I thank god for you all everyday!! I love you and thank you a million times!! I couldn't do it without you!

As for you K, I love you, more then life, quit scaring me, I need you around a long time. You continue to amaze me!!!

I will keep you all updated...... I am even more sure that K will have plenty to share about her own experience, even though she was the mostly unconscious one, thought I would get my part in first since she doesn't remember most of it!

I know but its summer man!!!

2007-06-18T21:33:00.001-07:00

I know I am such a loser, I have not made blogging a priority things have been a bit crazy!! Even more importantly it is summer. I think I have decided that I am more of a seasonal blogger. K always posts all of the cool, exciting stuff we have going on. I will do a better job at it but honestly I would rather be outside!! This month alone has been crazy with Hawaii, True Colors concert (see surrounding pictures), K's surgery, Fathers Day, Indigo Girls (tomorrow), The Arts Festival this weekend and I am gearing up for a 2 day backpacking trip at the end of the month in Kanab with some friends (pending K's progress as she now is unable to go and I want her to be okay with the kids).

K deserves public acknowledgment from me about her progress, she is AMAZING!! I have never in my life met someone with the type of determination that she exhibits. I could have fallen on the floor yesterday when she was able to "Hike" a mile and a half after being released from the hospital on Wednesday. "Raise the roof"!! You are doing an incredible job, keep up the good work, you can find her journey at turtleandbutterfly.blogspot.com

To all my friends and fellow bloggers, thanks for checking my blog everyday, I will be better even if it does take until September!

Gearing up for the Islands-6 days and counting!

2007-05-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

Wahoo, we are on the week count down for the trip to Hawaii. I am finally getting excited for the trip. I do let myself get a little down about it here and there because it is hard for me to be a sideline parent with the kids. K's parents are getting much better but I can see the pain in their faces when they have to tell the kids "go tell becky, I mean mom". However, we are going to have a great time. I tell you, I am going to make a little beer hut on the beach, or something of that nature and walk the block from the parents house and just hang out, relax, watch the kids play.

The even better and most exciting part is that K is finally going to be completing A's adoption. So really I have no right to have had bad feelings about going. The end result will be worth it!

Random Rant Tuesday--Wish I had it in me to be a stay at home mom

2007-05-15T16:55:00.000-07:00

Okay so it has been a week and I have not even had a free second to post a blog....

Since it is random rant Tuesdays I decided to post something today!! So my babysitter gets in touch with K today to let her know that the kids are throwing up (they had shots yesterday)and that she needs us to come and get them. Which is fine, so she calls me in jail and I rush out like a crazy mom to go pick them up... I get there and they of course smell like vomit, I think oh that is wonderful!! I load my kids dressed in only their diapers into the van and drive home. We get home and hang around for a bit, I try juice (bad idea that projectiled) I try pepto (2nd bad idea that projectiled, oh from both kids at the same time). This is where it gets good, my phone rings its the babysitter. She is calling for I don't know what I can't even remember now because I am so incensed. Oh I think really she was calling to say the following so after a few moments of her blah blah blah she says, "Geez your kids have horrible immune systems""I have never seen kids react that way to shots or with such incredibly horrible immune systems". WTF?? So as my blood pressure rises and I feel that horrible defensiveness that we probably all get as mothers I say, "I don't think they have horrible immune systems, but they do have tender stomachs, it probably has something to do with the fact that they were both born early, blah blah blah" Shit, here I was trying to defend my kids being sick. Now I should say that I have exposed my kids to every germ imaginable and I really think that they have pretty good immune systems!! I should mention that K and I have had to take as much time off for her kid being sick as we have for anything else. Anyways, I don't really know where I was going with this blog except I had to vent. My babysitter is a wee bit insensitive and I have a tendency to be a bit sensitive so the two may not go together well, especially when I am following my kids around the house as they projectile vomit!! So these are the days I wish I had it in me to be a stay at home mama.

So as I am handling all of this K calls from work in the middle of both kids throwing up, I have to say she is really the most wonderful because no sooner did I get off the phone with her she (12 minutes later) is walking in the door, it felt a bit like ghost busters as she walks in and practically puts her gloves on and goes into action. I love her so much, I don't have any freakin idea how mothers ever do it alone!! I can't even fathom my life without her in it, and it is unfortunate that it takes moments like that to remember that!!

So as the night progresses, poor J threw up in his entire drawer of cars(you all know how much he LOVES his cars), K and I had a car wash and sanitize in the bathtub. Poor boy just finished recovering from the fact that his cars are in the drying cycle in the bathroom....

So this is tonight so far......

Mostly THANK GOD for wives and "F-off" to insensitive babysitters who have children of their own but have no tact.

Random Rant Tuesdays

2007-05-08T23:12:00.000-07:00

(so it looks a little something like this!! I am serious a bit longer though)

I decided today that I would dedicate Tuesdays to Random Rants.

So..... I work with this woman, “she who will not be named” but I lovingly refer to her as Keebler, seriously she looks like a Keebler elf, she should be on the front of the cookie package. She has the pointy ears, the little curly faced smile and she comes to approximately my armpits (not to difficult being that I am tall). So she who will not be named—Keebler has a chin hair, I am enamored and engulfed by this chin hair. It has kept me up at night!! I am positive she has caught me studying it on numerous occasions. I feel my arm automatically reaching towards it daily. It is far from inconspicuous it stands near the passenger side of her chin. I kid you not this MOTHA is close to two inches long, gray and it curl like a pigs tail (like 4 times spiral). It is blatantly obvious so as I said, I have been kept up at night by this hair on her chin with the following questions:

Does she see it?? Does she look in the mirror? (it is gray and all) Her lighting might be horrible!
Does she curl it like that EVERY morning?
Does she have anyone in her life that loves her?? (I expect those in my life to tell me when I have a 2 inch wiley hair sprouting from my face)
Is she growing it for locks of love?
Does she use it to floss her teeth?
Does she keep it for emergencies if she has to sew a hole in her pants?
Is there a greater purpose or meaning to chin hair then I have ever been told??(if this is the case I can stop incessantly plucking my hair)
Can’t she feel it when she cleans her face, rubs her chin, brushes her teeth?
How long does it take to grow a specimen of that nature?
Is her intention to place beads on this hair as I have seen before?

Don’t get me wrong I understand that a lot of people get inconspicuous hairs that pop out of strange places where they shouldn’t be growing. I get them a lot, “K” has this awesome one that pops up on her neck of all places, and this other cool one on her wrist, but because I love her I am sure to watch for it and intervene before it becomes obvious to the general public. But for the love of God people pluck them. Don’t make me stand there and obsess about them (I am not the only one that does this right?); I mean really this that I am speaking of is NOT a normal hair. I have tried to give you a visual hope you get it!!

So as I mentioned EVERYDAY I have thought about pulling it or telling her but I think now it has become my new obsession. It has become a slight distraction for me from this mumbo jumbo of tedious grant writing, so for now I will let Wiley Gray Hairs Lie.

disclaimer: I definitely wrote this blog in the heat of the moment today and it (after hours of sitting across from Keebler in her office) it was funny, much funnier while I wrote it and a bit of a release!! Thanks for the rant! You too can join me for "Random Rant Tuesdays" it could be fun!

Gadunkadung

2007-05-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

(The picture to the left is from December in my loveliest of my gadunkadung) (The beautiful girl next to me is our incredible niece, "A's" oldest sister)

The gadunkadung is the best way I can think of to refer to my "FAT" so that is what I will call it.

I guess I will start from the top, I have never been overly thin as a child I was never a size that I can ever remember being proud of (Although now I may cut off a needed limb to be any of those sizes again). Weight (the gadunkadung) has been a pretty constant struggle for my my entire life. So I mentioned in my last blog the "weight loss journey of a century" its true. I have done it before, this may not be the last ( I am hopeful though)! I have starved myself, binged, purged, taken laxatives, eaten cabbage soup, Hollywood diet, liquid diet, Atkins diet, 6 week body makeover, cleanses, Weight Watchers, exercised myself to the death. For what, well here I sit doing about the same thing again.

My current journey started back in the end of February. In the course of one week I went to a dermatologist for a rash on my face. He said "well you either have rosacea or lupus" hmm curious I left the office slightly freaked out and began research on lupus. The symptoms listed matched every thing I had been feeling recently unfortunately, they also matched every symptom of obesity. Arggg I decided I wasn't going to even start thinking about that until I did something about my weight. I then had a come to Jesus with my doc and was told that my blood pressure was high enough to cause some major problems up to and including death(I am sure my blood pressure could also be attributed to the events currently taking place within my family, to be discussed in a later blog) I began seeing a nutritionist and a doctor to help me start to figure things out. Weekly I also get what I lovingly refer to as the "Shot of God"(Vitamin B shots) we will talk more about those later. I tell you it has been unbelievable what I have learned about my body, and even bigger than that the way that I think.

My first appointment was in the beginning of March and I have been on a steady road since then. So.. every Monday I get to weigh in, I sometimes feel like I am lining up for a cattle drive weight, then the poking and the prodding. At any given moment there are 20 other ladies in the office doing the same thing, probably thinking similarly to me. As I have said this has not been instant my body likes the loving layer of FAT that I have so willingly offered it for so many years and it will not let go of the weight!! I in most areas of my life have a love for instant gratification, this my dear is far from instant. This week for example .5 lbs that right I did not say 5 lbs I said .5. That is after working out3-5 times a week, eating right (for the most part with the exception of a freakin brownie with goo), god shots, digestive enzymes, thyroid medicine, etc etc etc. I looked at the scale today and thought how in the HELL does someone work this hard for that. Patience my darling patience.

So that's the basics, my friends have heard it a million times, and this will not be the last blog about it I am sure. Its been incredible so far, I feel better then I have EVER felt before (I like to attribute that to the shots of god)

Mostly a quick thanks to "K" for her support through this journey. She spends a bit of time being a single mom while I am exercising and dealing with my gadunkadung! Thanks Baby!

It is hard to decide where to begin.....

2007-05-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

"K" has been posting for a bit on her blog. I have been intrigued by this process and decided today that it was time I started sharing my life somewhere. I have never done well at writing in a journal. "K" asked me what I planned to share on my blog and I said everything and that is where Kaleidoscope comes from. My life is a Kaleidoscope, the colors, view, perspectives, and angles change on a daily basis.

A brief synopsis of my as follows: I am a 27 year old Lesbian "non biological" mother to 2 soon to be 3 beautiful children. I work in a correctional facility with criminal substance abuser, I am currently on the weight-loss journey of the century, and am preparing to go back to school.

When I look over the 3 line synopsis of me, I begin to see the Kaleidoscope that I have to share. I struggle with wanting to talk about it all at once say it all in a post. I realize now that is not possible and it is going to take a very long time to discuss this many layers of me. I will begin sharing after I rest my head a while, and sort things out a bit. For now one giant leap, the blogging has begun.....